Quotes from Finley Peter Dunne

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night.

Vice goes along way towards making life bearable. A little vice now and then is relished by the best of men.

If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps the money movin' around.

The wise people are in New York because the foolish went there first, that's the way the wise men make a living.

A man never becomes an orator if he has anything to say.

What's wan man's news is another man's throubles.

Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night.

The last man that makes a joke owns it.

High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

It must be a good thing to be good or ivrybody wudden't be pretendin' he was.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police.

A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief but they run away fr'm doubt.

If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in - if you had a good nurse.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.

There are no friends at cards or world politics.

A man can be right and president, but he can't be both at the same time.

A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable.

No wan cares to hear what Hogan calls "Th' short an' simple scandals iv th' poor."