Quotes from Finley Peter Dunne

Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while.

It doesn't make much difference what you study, as long as you don't like it.

No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.

Vice… is a creature of such heejous mien… that th' more ye see it th' betther ye like it.

Hogan's r-right whin he says: "Justice is blind." Blind she is, an' deef an' dumb an' has a wooden leg.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, conthrols th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

Th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf.

Life'd not be worth livin' if we didn't keep our inimies.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

'Twas founded be th' Puritans to give thanks f'r bein' presarved fr'm th' Indyans, an'… we keep it to give thanks we are presarved fr'm th' Puritans.

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case.

Among men, Hinnissy, wet eye manes dhry heart.

If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in — if you had a good nurse.

Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classified as cannibals.

I think a lie with a purpose is wan iv th' worst kind an' th' mos' profitable.

Thrust ivrybody, but cut th' ca-ards.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night.

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.

There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription.

If a man is wise, he gets rich, an' if he gets rich, he gets foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps the money movin' around.

Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th' people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' th' lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f'r it, but it's a kind iv a disgrace. It's like writin' anonymous letters.

But th' best thing about a little judicyous swearin' is that it keeps th' temper. 'Twas intinded as a compromise between runnin' away an' fightin'. Befure it was invinted they was on'y th' two ways out iv an argymint.