Quotes from Finley Peter Dunne

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

Whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks political meetin's, an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints, an' makes up his mind ca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.

The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale, an' th' rest'll be rubber, (plastic!)

Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' the lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f r it, but it's a kind iv a disgrace.

Vice goes a long way tow'rd makin' life bearable. A little vice now an' thin is relished by th' best iv men.

A man's idee in a card game is war

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.

There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.

Don't jump on a man unless he is down.

You can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.

When 'tis an aven thing in th' prayin', may th' best man win ... an' th' best man will win.

Politics ain't beanbag: 'tis a man's game, and women, children 'n' pro-hy-bitionists had best stay out of it.

Christyan Scientists think they'se no such thing as disease, an' doctors think there ain't annythin' else.

A man's idee in a card game is war- crool devastatin' and pitiless. A lady's idee iv it is a combynation iv larceny embezzlement an' burglary.

It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.

Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.

Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.

You can lead a man up to the university but you can't make him think.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.