Quotes from Finley Peter Dunne

"Ye ra-aly do think dhrink is a nicissry evil?" said Mr. Hennessy."Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if it's an evil to a man, it's not nicissry, an' if it's nicissry it's an evil."

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.

If ye live enough befure thirty ye won't care to live at all afther fifty.

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

Don't jump on a man unless he is down.

Many a man that couldn't direct you to the drug store on the corner when he was 3 will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th'ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

The past always looks better than it was because it isn't here.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.

The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle - on the back of a dollar.

I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day, but no change at all ivry fifty years.

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off fr'm th' angels.

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.

No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not, the Supreme Court follows the election returns.

An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.

Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.