Quotes from Dov Davidoff

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Comedy is rarely funny.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.