Quotes from Eoin Colfer

Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.

No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.

If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.

Trust me. I'm a genius.

No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she... Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.

Good. Illegal is always faster.

Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.

Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something." Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?

Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.

You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.

Who are you?" he asked. I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.

And one more thing. About my name — Artemis — you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you.

In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter—they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told. --Artemis Fowl