Quotes from Melody Beattie

we need to realize these are only expectations; they belong to us, and we're not always boss.

described codependency as "a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family experiencing great emotional pain and stress … Behaviors … passed on from generation to generation whether alcoholism is present or not.

Earnie Larsen, another codependency specialist and a pioneer in that field, defines codependency as "those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. —AGNES REPPLIER

We try to do something each day toward recovery.

Mary knows what's important, He said. Mary made the right decision.

Chemical dependency destroys slowly but thoroughly

Not two things at once, but one thing done in peace.

I learned how to make something out of almost nothing, instead of nothing out of something.

If you could have anything you wanted and it wouldn't be bad or wrong, what would that be? So

Forgiveness comes in time—in its own time—if we are striving to take care of ourselves. Don't let other people use this principle against us. Don't let other people help us feel guilty because they think we should forgive someone, and we are either not ready or believe forgiveness is not the appropriate solution.

When a codependent discontinued his or her relationship with a troubled person, the codependent frequently sought another troubled person and repeated the codependent behaviors with that new person. These behaviors, or coping mechanisms, seemed to prevail throughout the codependent's life—if that person didn't change these behaviors.

You can spoil your fun, your day, your life—that's your business—but I won't let you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.

Quit hanging on to the handrails . . . Let go. Surrender. Go for the ride of your life. Do it every day

Guilt and shame are not useful as a way of life. Stop the "shoulds." Become aware of when we're punishing and torturing ourselves and make a concerted effort to tell ourselves positive messages. If we should be doing something, do it. If we're torturing ourselves, stop it. It gets easier.

We can be grateful for each opportunity to generously give.

We don't have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty to prove to God or anyone else how much we care.7 We need to forgive ourselves. Take the Fourth and Fifth Steps (see the chapter on working a Twelve Step program); talk to a clergy person; talk to God; make amends; and then be done with it.

The answer doesn't come, but the power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason."2

OBSESSION Codependents

Most recovering addicts and alcoholics have codependency underneath.

Before I list the things codependents tend to do, however, I will make an important point: Having these problems does not mean we're bad, defective, or inferior. Some of us learned these behaviors as children. Other people learned them later in life. We may have learned some of these things from our interpretation of religion. Some women were taught these behaviors were desirable feminine attributes. Wherever we learned to do these things, most of us learned our lessons well.

The love we give and receive will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves.

I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment.

but the power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason."2