Quotes from Melody Beattie

Light and love are on my side.

Not being centered in ourselves and not feeling emotionally secure with ourselves may trap us.3 We may become afraid to terminate relationships that are dead and destructive. We may allow people to hurt and abuse us, and that is never in our best interest.

reactionaries.

Detachment is based on the premises that everyone is responsible for themselves, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.

I couldn't find anyone to tell me each minute, whatever I experience is a valid, beautiful moment—however tragic it is. That's what I needed to hear: Grief is a sacred time in our lives, and an important one. What

in the heat of the moment, we can slow down and ask ourselves these questions: • Why is the other person acting this way? What does he need? • Why am I acting this way? What do I need? • Is there some way we could solve the problem and meet both our needs? • Is there an underlying common need? The more emotionally charged the situation, the more we need to stay focused on our goals.

We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves.

The second thing that helped was stories—hearing honest accounts about how people felt, what they went through, and what helped them, not contrived stories saying how they thought they were supposed to feel and what they thought they should do. I promised myself then that if I ever came out the other end of this tunnel, I'd write a book about grief that I wouldn't have tossed across the room.

Generosity is the value we practice. Nonattachment is a gift.

Even God cannot change the past. —Agathon

1. Finish business from our childhoods, as best as we can. Grieve. Get some perspective. Figure out how events from our childhoods are affecting what we're doing now.

You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain.

know what we have left. This is an ongoing activity. Don't rush it. Take your time. Dedicate a notebook to writing down everything you have, everything you did get, everything you have left. No matter what your situation is—if you're in prison, in a hospital, in hospice—no matter who or where you are, you have something left and probably more than you know.

Forgiveness is wonderful. It wipes the slate clean. It clears up guilt. It brings peace and harmony

Go on a treasure hunt in your life. What did you get? How were your needs met? How are they being met now? What resources do you have? What are your strengths? What did your losses mean to you—what did you learn from your losses and from what you endured? How did your losses shape you? What are your talents, abilities, gifts?

2. Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it.

God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver

Can you still see and hear? Do you have your senses of taste and smell? Can you walk? Run? Do you have a motorized chair if you're unable to walk on your own? Come on—let's get it all on the list. Ask friends or family for help making your list. What do they see you as having? What do they think you're lucky to have? What do they admire in you?

3. Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.

4. We can learn to depend on ourselves.

It's clear now that codependency isn't a fad, as some people once claimed. It's come full circle. As family illnesses, from alcoholism to Alzheimer's disease, continue to become openly discussed by more people, so does the number of people seeking help for codependency increase.

5. We can depend on God, too. He's there, and He cares. Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of emotional security.

6. Strive for undependence. Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people around us.

We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons.