Quotes from Richard Kadrey

I can deal with fighting in the arena in Hell, but laundry and dishes put the fear of God in me.

Being able to embrace contradictions is a sign of intelligence. Or insanity.

If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.

Don't drink too much." "When I can spell out your name in shot glasses, I'll stop." "I'll have to get a shorter name." "I'll have to forget how to spell it.

The place looks like where David Lynch would meet Beaver Cleaver's mom for secret afternoons of bondage and milkshakes.

Let me finish my beer." (Stark) "Of course. The end of the world can wait.(Kasabian)

playing with the Barbie-size keyboard on my new phone. Phones are like toys now. They fit in your pocket, light up and vibrate like joy buzzers. Plus, you can get-I mean, "access"-the Internet and find anything you want. Music. Maps. Porn. Anything. If cell phones came with a cigarette dispenser, they'd be the greatest stupid invention ever.

Don't talk. Kill it." That might be the sweetest thing a woman's ever said to me on a first date.

If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits.

It's so quiet and peaceful out here I'm getting bored with breathing. Maybe we'll get lucky and the world will go to Hell again. Fingers crossed.

In this life, no matter what anyone promises you, what allegiances of love or fealty they swear or what gods they pray to, you will never have more than what you have at this moment.

Fuck you, angel. Fuck you and all God's little prison bitches. He slips you some cigarettes and a con job smile and you run off to do his dirty work for him. Go and scare some sinners. No one's listening to you here.

I've come a long way to get nowhere at all, I thought. And I've spent everything I have to get here.

See? Even dead she makes me a better whatever-the-hell it is I am. A less stupid person. A more considerate monster.

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.

Hell didn't make me a monster. It just confirmed all my worst fears about myself.

My head is full of monsters and I'm one of them.

Chasing a burning girl down a city street is a lot harder than it sounds. Civilians tend to stop and stare and this turns them into human bowling pins. Slow whiny bowling pins.

The clerk is looking at me. His expression hasn't changed. What I want to do is punch a hole in the front of the desk, reach through, grab his balls, and make him sing The Mickey Mouse Club song. But these days, I'm working on the theory that killing everyone I don't like might be counterproductive. I'm learning to use my indoor voice like a big boy, so I smile back at the clerk.

I'll give you another example. The snake in the Garden of Eden?" "Yeah?" "It was just a snake. Humanity's first real decision was to defy God. So was mine. That's the reason I make you uncomfortable. We're so much alike.

Besides, do you think you would have come if I'd just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing and said, 'Hello, I'm the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me out with a little war next Tuesday, say, sixish?

The dead think they can get away with anything because you'll feel sorry for them. If you play cards with the dead, make sure you deal and don't let them buy you drinks. They'll slip you a formaldehyde roofie and pry the gold fillings out of your teeth.

THERE'S ONLY ONE problem with L.A. It exists. L.A. is what happens when a bunch of Lovecraftian elder gods and porn starlets spend a weekend locked up in the Chateau Marmont snorting lines of crank off Jim Morrison's bones. If the Viagra and illegal Traci Lords videos don't get you going, then the Japanese tentacle porn will.

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.