Quotes from Jane Nelsen

This may mean redirecting your child or showing her what she can do instead of punishing her for what she can't do. It also might mean wordlessly removing a child from the slide when she refuses to leave, rather than getting into an argument or a battle of wills.

harsh criticism, punishment, or shaming may also damage a child's brain and ability to trust you.

the primary social goal of children (and adults) was to belong and feel significant within their family or social group. Although they are not always conscious of this goal, children constantly adjust their behavior to achieve a sense of belonging (connection) and significance (responsibility and capability).

When we really understand the fact of separate realities, we will stop spending so much time and energy trying to change the reality of others

If you want to leave the park and your child isn't ready to go, give her a hug and say, "You're really upset right now. I know you want to stay, but it's time to leave." Then hold your child and let her experience her feelings before you move on to the next activity. If you were instead to pamper your child by letting her stay at the park longer, she doesn't have the opportunity to learn from experience that she can survive disappointment.

You can't make another person treat you with respect, but you can treat yourself with respect. Walking away is treating yourself with respect—and

Children do not develop responsibility when parents and teachers are too strict and controlling, nor do they develop responsibility when parents and teachers are permissive. Children learn responsibility when they have opportunities to learn valuable social and life skills for good character in an atmosphere of kindness, firmness, dignity, and respect.

The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding, on one hand, and allowing your child to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person, on the other.

When parents continue to dress their children after the age of three, they are robbing them of developing a sense of responsibility, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence. They are less likely to develop the belief that they are capable. Instead they feel a sense of belonging when others do things for them.

Where did parents get the crazy idea that in order to make children behave, parents should make them feel shame, humiliation, or even pain? Children are more motivated to cooperate, learn new skills, and offer affection and respect when they feel encouraged, connected, and loved.

If you are tempted to "teach" your child by guilt, shame, or punishment, you will be creating discouraging beliefs that are difficult to reverse in adulthood.

Stress is the space between your thoughts of how life should be and how life really is. This

In fact, a true sense of self-worth does not come from being loved, praised, or showered with goodies. It comes from having skills that provide a sense of capability and resilience to handle the ups and downs and disappointments of life.

One of the best ways of becoming an effective parent—or, for that matter, an effective human being—is to understand the perceptions of other people, to be able to "get into their world.

When a limit is broken, don't lecture or punish. Continue respectful involvement with the child. Avoid telling what happened and what should be done about it. You might ask curiosity questions: "What happened? What do you think caused that to happen? What ideas do you have to solve the problem now? What did you learn that will help you next time?

Discipline with young children involves deciding what you will do and then kindly and firmly following through, rather than expecting your child to "behave.

Without recognizing the belief behind the behavior, some adults react to the behavior with some kind of punishment, such as blaming, shaming, or inflicting physical pain. This kind of response only confirms a student's belief that he or she doesn't belong, creating a vicious cycle that leads to more misbehavior. In this cycle the student's deep need for belonging, contribution, and skills is not being addressed at all.

When Dad lost control of Mom, they both lost control of the children.

The human brain is "under construction" throughout childhood and adolescence; in fact, the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for good judgment, emotional regulation, impulse control, and other admirable "adult" qualities, is not fully mature until after the age of twenty!

Although it may seem otherwise, teens have not grown up yet. Their behavior is only temporary. Teens want to explore how they are different from their families, how they feel and what they think about things, and what their own values are. This process of separation from the family is called

The first three years, however, are especially important; what a child learns and decides about himself ("Am I loved or unloved, capable or not capable?") and the world around him ("Is it safe or threatening, encouraging or discouraging?") becomes part of the "wiring" of his brain. The outside world, which is experienced through a child's senses (hearing, seeing, smelling, and touching), enables the brain to create or change connections.

With wisdom, patience, and love, you can create a home where your child feels safe, secure, and free to grow and learn, and where she can become a responsible, respectful, and resourceful person—and where you will find joy in your parenting role.

The most valuable parenting tools are those you already possess: your love for your child and your own inner wisdom and common sense.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT: WHEN ONE PARENT IS KIND AND THE OTHER IS FIRM It is interesting to note that two people with these opposing philosophies often get married.