Quotes About Humor

My pants are on fire!

Not everything's funny, Mother.""No, " said Leola, "so I guess when you can laugh, , it's all the sweeter.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

Sometimes you don't want to be a slapstick clown in order to convey a funny perception of the world.

The Bill Engvall Show' is a comedy about a middle-class family in the Midwest. It's a great family show to watch if you want to laugh and unwind.

I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.

First of all, Jericho...Liberace called and said he wants his pajamas back!

Well, I can certainly see why we're trying to keep them alive. Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting, and bite all at once?

'We have to be back in three hours,' Ronan said. 'I just fed Chainsaw but she'll need it again.' 'This,' Gansey replied, 'is precisely why I didn't want to have a baby with you.'

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they're both in my car and I want you to see them

Strawberry Shortcake called, she wants her outfit back

Sometimes I just want to lick David Lee Roth in the nuts

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Sometimes, when you want to laugh, reality steps in.

So if anybody wants to get me something, get me 60 crabs - one for each year. I don't want no diamonds, I don't want no shoes, I don't want no party. I want some crabs.

Sometimes I dress like what I want for lunch, because all I can think about is having a tuna sandwich.

(Jace) "Is there anything special you want to see? Paris? Budapest? The Leaning Tower of Pisa?" Only if it falls on Sebastian's head, she thought.