Quotes About Humor

I don't play the sport for fame. I don't try to win tournaments for fame. I don't do any of that. It's just me. I'm just Bubba. I goof around. I joke around. I just want to be me and play golf.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Harry sent ten different puns to a friend in the hope that at least one of the puns would make him laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Most of them kept going because they had a job to do, and they were the only ones who could do it. The closest thing to heroism was displaying humour:

There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.

We Brits feel no resentment about 'losing' our American colonies. We're quite fond of independent Americans, and see them as distant cousins who can't spell our language properly. We've cooperated with America pretty amicably on projects like liberating Europe and inventing pop music. And we have no desire whatsoever to try and govern Texas.

Tanacharison (who could relate to the cow because he claimed that the French had boiled and eaten his father)

Someone who would tax them half to death but who might just keep them alive long enough to pay the taxes – a lot like modern governments, in fact.

A study found exercise may be bad for your health. Which means I'm not fat, I'm just morbidly over-healthed.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.

If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted!

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl.

The script was just the best I'd read in a long time and I love the humor, which I wasn't expecting, and I like the fact that my six year old daughter can see the show without being, you know, protected from it.

I liked getting the best villain award. I thought that was funny.

Older British observers complained, "The trouble with you Yanks is that you are overpaid, oversexed, and over here." (To which the Yanks would reply, "The trouble with you Limeys is that you are underpaid, undersexed, and under Eisenhower.")

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

My first words, as I was being born [...] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.