Quotes About Humor

Buying my wife a gun sort of like me saying, ' You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise'.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as possible.

If I had all the money in the world, I'd still make movies. But I'd want them to pay me in donuts.

I want you to know that you're the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.

Do you want me to call you Celery Stick instead of Cupcake or Honey-Pie? It just doesn't inspire the same warm and fuzzy feelings.

I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

I went up to Meryl Streetp and said 'I love you so much I want to tongue kiss you' And she said 'OK'.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

Man, fountains pen are a pain to use, drawing backgrounds is a also a pain... Drawing manga really is a pain. In short living is a pain... I want to become a cheesburger

You look like a handsome young man…although you might want to zip your fly. Mom! What? Should I have not told you and left it for everyone else to notice at the dance?

Here's a riddle: When is a croquet mallet like a billy club? I'll tell you: Whenever you want it to be!

I only went to the third grade because my father only went to the fourth and I didn't want to pass him.

Sometimes I want to joke but my English isn't perfect. Sometimes people are wondering what I'm talking about.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

If you have a friend with a blond mustache, he wants to touch you.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

I look up to heaven only when I want to sneeze.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

I'm not very funny in real life. I used to want to be a comedian when I was 13, 14, 15, till I saw "Death Of A Salesman" with Lee J. Cobb and Mildred Dunnock.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.