Quotes About Humor

People look down on stuff like geography and meteorology, and not only because they're standing on one and being soaked by the other.

Thus proving that books can teach you much, if only to give you a good name for a devilish, smart goat.

So he said to young Sam: if you lose your cow you should report this to the Watch under Demonic & Farmyard Animals (Lost) Act of 1804. They will swing into action with keenness and speed. Your cow will be found. If it has been impersonating other animals, it may be arrested. If you are a stupid person, do not look for your cow yourself. Never try to milk a chicken. It hardly ever works.

Very well. My name is WxrtHltl-jwlpklz," said the demon smugly. "Where were you when the vowels were handed out? Behind the door?" said Nanny Ogg.

Bugger off sweetheart Nanny's busy

squernt" ("the feeling upon finding that the previous occupant of the privy has used all the paper")

An upturned tortoise is the ninth most pathetic thing in the entire multiverse.

The best man. You know? He hands you the ring and has to marry the bride if you ran away and so on. The Dean's been reading up on it, haven't you, Dean? Oh, yes, said the Dean, who'd spent all the previous day with Lady Deirdre Waggon's Book of Etiquette. She's got to marry someone once she's turned up. You can't have unmarried brides flapping around the place, being a danger to society. I completely forgot about a best man! said Vimes.

You beat a dozen armed men single-handed? Oh aye, sir, said Wee Mad Arthur slyly, but it was nae fair, I had them outnumbered.

Same with gorillas. Whoops, they say, sky gone all red, stars crashing to ground, what they putting in the bananas these days?

Vimes stuck his helmet under his arm, smoothed back his hair, and knocked. He'd considered asking Sargent Colon to accompany him, but had brushed the idea aside quickly. He couldn't have tolerated the sniggering. Anyway, what was there to be afraid of? He'd stared into the jaws of death three times; four, if you included telling Vetinari to shut up.

Do teachers go anywhere special when they die?' said Cohen. 'I don't think so,' said Mr Saveloy gloomily. He wondered for a moment whether there really was a great Free Period in the sky. It didn't sound very likely. Probably there would be some marking to do.

It was the kind of storm that suggests the whole sky has swallowed a diuretic.

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

I don't think I've become old. Just more aware of where the next lavatory is.

One day, when he was naughty, Mr. Bunnsy looked over the hedge into Farmer Fred's field and saw it was full of fresh green lettuces. Mr. Bunnsy, however, was not full of lettuces. This did not seem fair.

We put all our politicians in prison as soon as they're elected. Don't you?' 'Why?' 'It saves time.

Scuse me, 'scuse me," said a voice from beside him. He looked down this time at a dirty, half-scorched cat, who grinned at him. "Did that cat just speak?" asked the mayor. Maurice looked around. "Which one?" he said. "You! Did you just talk?" "Would you feel better if I said no?" said Maurice.

The Egregious Professor of Grammar and Usage would have corrected this to 'she was not she', which would have caused the Professor of Logic to spit out his drink.

For example, it is said that someone at a party once asked the famous philosopher Ly Tin Weedle "Why are you here?" and the reply took three years.

Ave! Duci novo, similis duci seneci",' murmured Mr Slant, drily as only a zombie can manage. 'Or, as we used to say at school, "Ave! Bossa nova, similis bossa seneca!"' He gave a little schoolmasterly laugh. He felt at home with dead languages. 'Of course, grammatically that is completely—' 'And that means . . . ?' said Madam. 'Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss,' muttered Dr Follett.

They said that dying was just like going to sleep, although of course if you weren't careful bits of you could rot and drop off.

One of the nice things about Time, Crowley always said, was that it was steadily taking him further away from the fourteenth century, the most bloody boring hundred years on God's, excuse his French, Earth.

The Feegles believe that they are dead. This world is so nice, they argue, that they must have been really good in a past life and then died and ended up here. Appearing to die here means merely going back to the Last World, which they believe is rather dull.