Quotes About Humor

He's my hyung,' Baldspot said. 'I didn't know you had an older brother.' 'He fell off a garbage truck!' he said with a giggle. 'Well now, what can't you get from a garbage truck these days?' the woman chuckled.

I wonder if – as I tumble towards the waves – I'll have time to get the iPhone out, hit Facebook and change my status to 'Dead'.

I'm doing fine. I eat dogs! Heh heh heh!' I

There's this sloth in the jungle walking from one tree to another, and it's mugged by a gang of snails, and when the police ask the sloth if it could identify any of its attackers, it says, 'I don't know; it all happened so quickly...

Once you get over the simple unpleasantness of it - I suspect most people would gag, the first time - it is easier to wipe somebody else's bum than it is your own, because you can see what you're doing and use both hands at once if necessary. The whole process is much more efficient and uses no more toilet paper than is strictly required, so it's better for the environment, too. If we were really green we'd all have somebody else wipe our bums, though I can't see it catching on.

In a 2002 interview with Science Fiction Weekly magazine, when asked: Excession is particularly popular because of its copious detail concerning the Ships and Minds of the Culture, its great AIs: their outrageous names, their dangerous senses of humour. Is this what gods would actually be like? Banks replied: If we're lucky.

Darling, the bath's absolutely right. Will you marry me?' She snorted. 'You need a slave, not a wife.

It's hilarious to recognize how completely another person resembles your imperfect self.

Jokes against the legal profession were what the legal profession loved most.

Roosevelt, according to a story told by Hopkins, was once wheeled into Churchill's bedroom just as the prime minister was emerging from his bath, stark naked. The president, flustered, told his attendant to back him out of the room, but Churchill theatrically declared, "The Prime Minister of Great Britain has nothing to conceal from the President of the United States.

Hiroyuki Agawa describes a meeting in which an army officer seated next to the admiral rose to his feet "and began to harangue those assembled at interminable length." Yamamoto stealthily edged the man's chair back several feet. When he had finished speaking and tried to sit down, the officer missed the chair and fell sprawling on the floor. The admiral kept a straight face, looked straight ahead, and continued the meeting as if nothing had happened

When he saw his wife smashing plates right and left, he shouted, "What! Are you looking for a husband

Are you sure you know where you're going? Andrea frowned. Would you like me to pull over and ask that bamboo for directions? I don't know, do you think it will answer? We peered at the bamboo. I think it looks suspicious, Andrea said. Maybe there is a heffalump hiding in it. Andrea stared at me. You know, heffalump? From Pooh Bear? Where do you even get this shit?

Is that a lion with horns and a pitchfork? Yep. Is he carrying the moon on his pitchfork? Nope it's a pie.

What's that? That's my attack poodle.

Aha! So I'm not crazy." "You are most definitely crazy," Derek said. "But in a deranged, endearing way.

Did those nice church ladies come by again? He nodded. I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.

The rabbis paled. I'd managed to terrify holy men. Maybe I could beat up a nun for an encore.

I picked up the phone and dialed Andrea's extension. "Yes?" "He glued the chair to my ass." Silence.

I'm secure enough in myself to wear panties with bows on them. Besides, they are comfy and soft. I bet. He almost purred. I gulped.

It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, Who's diving for clams now, bitch?

You know, she said, stirring her tea, the fastest way to get him off your back is to sleep with him. And tell him you love him. Preferably while in bed. I smirked and the tea almost came out of my nose. He'd run like he was on fire.

I make a bad mom, but I can pull off a crazy aunt.

You snore worse. At least I don't turn into a lion in my sleep. I only did it once. Once was weird enough, thank you.