Quotes About Humor

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

I wouldn't mind having another shot at doing comedy, but I'm not sure that's the way I'd want to go.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

If the internet has taught us anything, it's that you want less news and more cats.

I think my speeches are hilarious. I think I'm a natural comedian, but I like denying people the chance to laugh. I want to deny you the relief of the punchline.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

People who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.

On my tombstone, I want written: 'He never did 'Love Boat!''

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

Best fight ever in a movie: 'They Live.' I want to do a martial arts version of that, where you think it's ended, and it just keeps on going. I love that fight. It was funny as well. Unexpected.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.