Quotes About Humor

Robert Plant asked me to marry him, but I said 'no.' I mean, you just don't want to marry someone you've wanted to do it with since you were thirteen, because, well, if he farts, I would, like, die!

I feel like you can share as many jokes as you want to because no joke you do on Twitter is ever gonna be so big on Twitter, for the most part, that you can't say it on stage that same night.

Yogi ordered a pizza. The waitress asked How many pieces do you want your pie cut? Yogi responded, Four. I don't think I could eat eight.

I think that 'Family Guy' is hysterical. It's edgy and hip - and they can do whatever they want to do because it's animated and they're not limited by budget.

If you like standup and decide that it's overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

I don't take myself as seriously as some people think, and I'd hate anyone to think I was preaching. That's the last thing I want.

I don't mind looking foolish but it's just that I'm so bad at singing. The only time people ask me to sing is if they want the party to stop. If they want everyone to go home. Immediately.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

A lot of comedians today have misunderstood the concept of a subversive comedian. If you really want to be subversive, you have to please and offend in equal amounts.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.

At Cambridge, you have to kiss the vice-chancellor's fingers. But I missed out on that, 'cause I was doing a matinee. I don't want to kiss a strange man's fingers anyway.

I have a hard time writing. Most writers have a hard time writing. I have a harder time than most because I'm lazier than most. I don't want to brag, but I'm the laziest person I have ever known.

I always say to people if you want to see what Britain looks like, watch Gogglebox. It's brilliant and funny and warm and clever.

All really frank people are amusing, and would remain so if they could remember that other people may sometimes want to be frank and amusing too.

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what has happened to me.

President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

I think I knew I was funny in Elementary School. I think most funny people realize it when they're young. It tends to come out of stress or trauma - something that makes you want to be funny.

I'd like to thank my parents for not practicing birth control.

Tatum plays so much piano it sounds impossible. The more I hear him, the more I want to give up the piano and drive a milk truck.