Quotes About Humor

I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have an inability to do a nine-to-five.

I'm great as bait! All the vampires want to eat me!

My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

South Park called...they want their everything back.

I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up, or if I'm sure I ever want to grow up. I'm sure there are people that wish I would, but you know, my mom will get over it.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."

I'm really good at being sarcastic with guys. That's the best way to hang out with them, because that's what guys . They don't want the quiet, prissy little things.

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

I don't care if I'm funny. I just want people to believe I'm that guy.

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep.

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe.

Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.

It's such a great feeling to make people laugh. I know I've made people cry or want to slit their wrists, but to make people laugh is a very intoxicating, wonderful thing.

As for his name, well, what attorney wouldn't want to be able put a Judge in a crate every now and then?

My relationship with my wife is fraught with all of the problems that any couples face, but there is a sense of humor that we have about it and a real desire to want to make it better.

If people want to see me in comedies, that's fine with me.

I think there are certain subjects I don't want to tackle, that I don't think I could do a good job with. I don't think I'd be good with... broad comedy? I don't know. Maybe I would.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

I have to make good things so good comedians want to talk to me.

I like other people's kids and being able to give them back when I want to.

In my next life I want to be a pessimist. Then other people could spend all their time cheering me up.