Quotes About Humor

The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.

alopecia on her ass

She even started following me onstage during the interview segment of my Netflix show and would sometimes prop herself up on the little table between the guest and me.

I'm a murderer, Ted! I'm a murderer. A dog murderer! I'm just like Phil Spector minus the music career." "No, Chelsea, you need to get ahold of yourself. You are not a murderer! This was an accidental dog homicide!" "What

I wish Chunk was here to see this' 'If Chunk was here, he would be dead by now, Hannah declared. 'Who's Chuck?' Rex asked. As if I would name my dog Chuck. Sometimes I found Rex to be so stupid. 'It's Chunk, like chunky peanut butter. Chunk. He's my dog. He's amazing and he's dignified. He's got more dignity in one of his paws than Shakira does in her entire left hip.

Tally yanked her hand away and stuck it behind her back. God. I am so sorry. She'd touched him. Felt the heat of his tanned skin, felt the crisp hairs at his groin...felt...oh, man. Nice try, but no cigar. Want to go for two out of three? Tally closed her eyes and blew out a breath. Oh, this day just gets better and better. It's certainly looking up for me. With an amused glance, the pirate hitched his shorts back over the sharp angle of his hipbones. There'd been so sign of a tan line.

How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?

The world's most funniest and easiest thing is to give an advice...

Mosquito [...] had asked Ear to marry him, whereupon Ear fell on the floor in uncontrollable laughter. How much longer do you think you will live? she asked. You are already a skeleton. Mosquito went away humiliated, and any time he passed her way he told Ear that he was still alive.

Can't you ever be serious?' I said, mortified. 'It's difficult,' he said. 'There's so little in life that's worth it.

The times when you feel like laughing the least are usually the times you need to laugh the most.

Any wise man fears open spitefulness, whether it be in seriousness or in jest.

There's an old folk saying that goes: whenever you delete a sentence from your NaNoWriMo novel, a NaNoWriMo angel loses its wings and plummets, screaming, to the ground. Where it will likely require medical attention.

Don't be offended if you encounter some good-natured ribbing; the idea of writing a novel in a month deserves to be laughed at.

Randy held out the koosh. "What is it?" "I have no idea," Donna said. "Your asshole scrubber?

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.'—Groucho Marx." Bells

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

An hour show panics me a lot less than five minutes at the O2. How do you put yourself across and make sure people have a good time in five minutes?

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

I set the time on my iPhone to be 30 minutes late, so I'm only an hour and a half late to appointments now.

That's the show. it's like 5 minutes of science and then 10 minutes of me hurting myself.

This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.

If Damon Wayans is not breaking, it's a miracle. He is so funny that he makes everyone die laughing.

Before I turned professional I used to do carpet fitting for my dad. I wasn't much good, it's a miracle I've still got 10 fingers.