Quotes About Humor

But, as Andy pointed out, if being a smart-arse was an offence, the Laundry would not exist in the first place.

He shrugs, an aw-shucks gesture quite at odds with the rest of his mannerisms, and produces a grin from wherever he keeps his spare faces when he isn't wearing them.

What band does the necromancer dance to? Boney M.)

he looked like an escapee from a reeducation camp for fashion criminals.

Um. Oh dear." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I don't know. Are you thinking, goats are kind of like sheep with bad attitude? I'm not a fucking chupacabra, man.

Annette sighs. Manfred's been upgrading this robot cat for years, and his ex-wife Pamela used to mess with its neural configuration, too: This is its third body, and it's getting more realistically uncooperative with every hardware upgrade. Sooner or later it's going to demand a litter tray and start throwing up on the carpet.

It's like the joke about the post-modernist gangster who makes you an offer ye canna understand.

You said a bad word!" Lyssa hammed it up, eyes wide and limpid, and cranked her tear ducts all the way from Flood Danger: Raise the Thames Barrier to Critical Emergency: Three Gorges Spillway Eroding.

Did it have a name, this project?" "Yes. The books and posters are called MAGIC CIRCLE OF SAFETY, but she said I'd find it in the stacks under a very strange reference—KGB.2.YA—what's so funny? Bob? Are you choking? Bob? Bob? Do you need help?" Kiss Good-Bye 2 Your Ass: I love the Laundry sense of humor.

Fucking netbooks; you can't even use one to beat an alien brain parasite to death without it breaking.)

one point, Leah gave CJ a tough geometry problem in our Berlin hotel room. He collapsed to the floor, where he began crying and saying repeatedly that he wanted to be a taco.

L. Mencken once noted that a wealthy man is a man who earns $100 a year more than his wife's sister's husband. Some economists have belatedly begun to believe that he was on to something.

I could flay you and wear your skin as a cloak, and caper in the streets in the moonlight. But some might consider that crass treatment of a guest. I nod. "Well, some people got no sense of humor, do they? "I am one of those people.

The jokes. The jokes. The fucking endless jokes.

Why do women have this perverse talent for sneaking up on a man and whamming him over the head with some inconsequential chore when he has his mind on weightier issues? Because men have this perverse talent for weaseling out of the chores on the specious grounds that doing a little honest work around the place is less important than playing Cops & Robbers with Fred Ottermole.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I'm in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can't get up right away.

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.