Quotes About Humor

I can't, I said. I threw my back out masturbating.

She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over--unless you're coming directly from from a crime scene.

This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest.

Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls.

I have no doubt that my mother's pregnancy with me was an accident. Mostly because on several occasions, she told me I was an accident.

I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit.

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.

I just peed and forgot to take off my underwear.

She had Nick Lachey's body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

Personally, I felt terrible for telling Truth my name was Schnitzeldoodle. I still think about it. Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, "You've offended so many people at this point. Don't try to keep track now, girl.

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.

Without the laughter, we'd all be dying too.

Why anyone needed to hold her breath above water was beyond me, but when I make things up, I rarely have a filter.

We agreed on the basic Brazilian—right after I downed a Vicodin. I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my

Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.

I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret, or a sandwich.

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

So you're a comedian, he said. Tell me something funny. Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you're bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out. Are you an alcoholic? he asked me. That's not really the point, I responded. And I don't like the word 'alcoholic.' I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

There's nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not.

He was the only person in my family who understood that I was born going through menopause, and that whenever I ate soup, I had to take my top off.

She told me that she liked white people but didn't have any close white friends and asked if I was interested in cross-pollinating. I told her we would see how things went but not to put the chicken wing before the egg. We grew to be fast friends, and a couple

It is possible to chip your tooth while eating gummy bears when a plane is landing.