Quotes About Humor

I was a standup comedian, which is kind of like writing and directing yourself.

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

Well, you can't compete with a six foot five man in a wig.

I'm just an old man and I smell bad, remember?

[To the man who came up to her at a party and exclaimed effusively, 'Tallulah! I haven't seen you for 41 years!':] I thought I told you to wait in the car.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

My wife called me a mule. She once said, "I didn't marry a man; I married a mule!" I kept thinking about it. It was in the back of my head. I think it makes a good title for an album.

Darwinian man, though well-behaved, at best is only a monkey shaved.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.

Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.

I have never been sexually aroused by a man. But I have yet to kiss Johnny Depp, so you never know.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I've done everything in the theatre except marry a property man.

I'd rather write about laughing than crying, For laughter makes men human, and courageous.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.