Quotes About Humor

I used to be a chick magnet. Now, I'm just a refrigerator magnet.

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

Fear not a jest. If one throws salt at you, you will not be harmed unless you have sore places.

Most of the time when you laugh, it's because something is amiss - clumsy or wrong or sad - but when you laugh at a kitten, you laugh of pure joy.

You till be glad to know the President is practicing safe snacks. in reference to her husband's fainting spell caused by a pretzel

If it had been great sex I doubt I'd remember he tooted between thrusts.

And you can cry all you want, honey, but just let me know ahead of time so I can change your margarita to a double.

Hey, you know the difference between an porcupine and a Porshe?" She gave him a wary look. "What?" "A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What's the difference between God and a federal judge?" "I don't know." "God doesn't think he's a federal judge." Tara

Dear Lord." She looked at Dani. "Did you see that six-pack? I think it was an eight-pack." Jasper scowled. "Jeez, Christine." "What? I'm married but I'm not dead." Dani

With secret delight, he began teaching Bad Eye catastrophically bad English. From that day forward, when asked, "How are you?," Bad Eye would smilingly reply, "What the fuck do you care?

When Bad Eye asked Marvin to teach him English, Marvin saw his chance. With secret delight, he began teaching Bad Eye catastrophically bad English. From that day forward, when asked, "How are you?," Bad Eye would smilingly reply, "What the fuck do you care?

He stowed a bottle of a local rotgut called Five Island Gin—nicknamed Five Ulcer Gin—in radioman Harry Brooks's gas mask holster. When an MP tapped Brooks's hip to check for the mask, the bottle broke and left Brooks with a soggy leg. It was probably for the best. Louie noticed that when he drank the stuff, his chest hair spontaneously fell out. He later discovered that Five Island Gin was often used as paint thinner. After that, he stuck to beer.

Askim was notorious for his kleptomania; the Zamperinis lived above a grocery, and the dog made regular shoplifting runs downstairs, snatching food and fleeing. His name was a clever joke: When people asked what the dog's name was, they were invariably confused by the reply, which sounded like "Ask him.

Solutions-oriented campaigning with a little passion and a little humor I think that will go a long way. I think people are desperate for it.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Billie Burke

I'm still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

When you get back together with an old boyfriend, it's pathetic. It's like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

We're your friends. Our job is to tease you mercilessly about your foibles, rag you about your upright, honorable nature, and point out to you when you're being a complete dolt.

said. "She never understands Harry's jokes. She just stares at him as if he's a bit touched in the head and doesn't laugh." "And that's important," Louisa said. "Men do hate it when we don't find them amusing. Especially Harry. It quite upsets him.

Lizzie Darbury won't do," Vivian said. "She never understands Harry's jokes. She just stares at him as if he's a bit touched in the head and doesn't laugh." "And that's important," Louisa said. "Men do hate it when we don't find them amusing. Especially Harry. It quite upsets him.

He likes you," Miss Dove said, sounding surprised. "Yes," Harry answered with an unhappy sigh. He had long ago accepted the fact that cats adored him. The reason, of course, was because both God and cats had the same perverse sense of humor. When the animal buried its claws in his thigh and began to knead with happy abandon, he set his jaw and bore it. "Mr. Pigeon? Rather fitting for you to choose that name, Miss Dove. Both birds, you know.

Coitus interruptus by SWAT team. At last a form of birth control that was one hundred percent reliable.