Quotes About Humor

I tell people, 'I have a Ph.D. from Google University.'

My most embarrassing moment was when I was a student at Tufts University and decided to go 'streaking' with a group of girls in the middle of January. Somehow I lost them and ended up being chased by the campus police.

People who are mean or unkind or rigid - think about it - cannot laugh at themselves. If we can't laugh at ourselves and the human condition, we're going to be mean.

You can be funny about your kids without being unkind.

My sister told me: 'You need to have a baby so that you've got someone to look after you when you're old.' And I was like: 'Hang on - I thought that's what the NHS was for? Unless the NHS is that screwed by the time I'm old, you've literally had to give birth to your own medical professional.'

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

I don't like laughing at people unless they're in a privileged position or if they're in authority. If it's poor people or people who live on the outskirts or on the margins, or the underdog, I'd rather be laughing with them.

Nobody should try to play comedy unless they have a circus going on inside.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

Whether a party can have much success without a woman present I must ask others to decide, but one thing is certain, no party is any fun unless seasoned with folly.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

Unless you do an Archie and Edith Bunker, there's not much left In TV for husband-wife conversation.

We only have one agenda, which is to make 'em laugh their pants off. Unless they are girls, of course, when it is to make them laugh their bras off so we can get a quick look.

Learning Jimmy Carr riffs off by heart is not the way to anyone's heart, unless you're Jimmy Carr. And remember, the two most attractive things in a man is a sense of danger and being able to make a girl feel really safe.

You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny.

I tend to have a lot of jokes about ex-girlfriends. They always ask me if they will be the subject of a joke, and I always tell them they won't. Unless they do something crazy. They all tend to, so you know where that goes. There are no closed doors. The 'art' will suffer.

I may be a dumb blonde, but I'm not that blonde.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

Redheaded women buck like goats.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.

Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.

In sitcoms, the women are so beautiful, understanding and well-bred. They have humor, but sort of display it with a twinkle of the eye and not a guffaw. But there's no juice in that for me.