Quotes About Humor

Women are not totally nauseous after seeing me.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

Gracious Lord, oh bomb the Germans. Spare their women for Thy Sake, And if that is not too easy, We will pardon Thy Mistake. But, gracious Lord, whate'er shall be, Don't let anyone bomb me.

I make fun whenever I go. If I go to restaurant by myself, rest assured, people will be talking about it.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.

We women take love too seriously. Men wish to be loved with laughter, not with sighing. So laugh, sweetheart, laugh, or soon you may be weeping.

There were people asking 'Can women be funny?' People still ask that. It's like asking: 'Can women breathe in and out?'

Women; can't live with em, can't kill em

Men are simple creatures. It doesn't take much to please us. The problem is women.

I spent years working in low-budget horror films. When you've done 'Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death,' you can handle anything!

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Ahh, women! I never met one yet that was half as reliable as a horse!

Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

When the jelly faced women all sneeze, hear the one with the mustache say I can't find my knees.

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

If your husband expects you to laugh, do so; if he expects you to cry, don't; if you don't know what he expects, what are you doing married?

God, why didn't you make Woman first - when you were fresh?

You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?

I've said this before, that, when you're in school and you're the class clown, men are really good at making fun at other people and women are really good at making fun of themselves.