Quotes About Humor

You think I'm gonna feel better eatin' a carrot? Get a grip. There's two idiots out there trying to kill me, and you think I'm gonna waste my last breath on a vegetable? (Lula)

Ranger was grinning. Somebody beat the shit out of this guy before he got shot. That would be me.I said. Babe,Ranger said, the grin widening.

I always wanted to eat with a Negro," Grandma said. Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney-assed old white woman," Lula said. "So I guess this works out good.

I checked my phone messages. Three in all. The first was from Joe. "Hey, Cupcake." That was it. That was the whole message. The second was from Ranger. "Yo." Ranger made Joe look like a chatterbox.

You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms. Joe Morelli

Oh, for God's sake, I said. Just give me the stupid thing. I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. GPS, Ranger said to Morelli. Probably I can find her breast without it, Morelli said. But it's good to know there's a navigational system on board if I need it.

To celebrate our partnership I dressed up like Ranger. Black boots, black jeans, black turtleneck, small silver hoop earrings. He gave me the once-over when I opened the door to him. 'Smart ass,' he said.

My father would eat cat shit if it was salted, fried, or frosted, but it took an act of Congress to get him to eat a vegetable.

Everyone knows you can't see death cooties. Take my word for it, that couch has the biggest, fattest death cooties that ever existed. That couch has the mother of all death cooties. – Lula

Last time you called me late at night you were naked and chained to your shower curtain rod. I hope this isn't going to be disappointing.

My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think

Stephanie,' Valerie said. 'She's going to have a baby, and she's getting married.' My father was confused. He looked around the room. No Joe. No Ranger. His eyes locked on Diesel. 'Not the psycho,' he said. Diesel blew out a sigh. My father turned to my mother. 'Get me the carving knife. Make sure it's sharp.

He squinted at me. What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?

From the look on your face, I'd say you know him. I nodded. Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school. Connie grunted. Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to get me drunk, I said to Ranger. Not drunk, Ranger said. Just relaxed and naked.

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.

Stephanie Plum,I almost never shoot anyone.

Good thing he's dead, Lula said, or that would have hurt like the devil.

Morelli beeped his truck unlocked. "If you're looking for your rent-a-cop, I told Ranger you'd be with me this morning." "Did he make you take a blood oath that you'd protect me?" "He asked me if I had adequate health insurance.

You fainted, I told Tank. I did not, Tank said. That's a lie.

How was your day? Morelli asked me. Oh, you know, the usual. Stole a truck. Blew up a building, and brought seven monkeys home with me.

Joe I said. It's Stephanie. Does this involve death? Not yet. Does this involve sex? Not yet. I can't imagine why else you'd be calling me.

Suppose I lay down on the pavement and you run over me a few times with my own car...just for old times.

If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert.