Quotes About Humor

My mother drove back to the intersection. Who are you dating? Don't ask, I said. I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.

He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.

It wasn't exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight. - Stephanie Plum

As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. That's a rocket launcher! Yep, Lula said. It's a big boy. I got it at a yard sale in the projects.

My mother had been slicing up the chicken. She took a drumstick and dropped it on the floor. She kicked it around a little, picked it up and put it on the edge of the plate. There, she said, we'll give him this drumstick. Deal.

Hey, Lula said to Ranger's man.You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don't need plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole is this punk-ass loser, will you?

Sorry about Bender, Lula said, letting the Trans Am idle at the curb. Maybe we could tell Vinnie he died. We could say we were all set to bring Bender in, and he died. Bang. Dead as a doorknob. Better yet, why don't we just go back and kill him, I said. I opened the door to leave, caught my toe in the floor mat, and fell out of the car, face first. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the stars. I'm fine, I said to Lula. Maybe I'll sleep here tonight.

Grandma Mazur stood two feet back from my mother. I gotta get me a pair if those, she said, eyeballing my shorts. I've still got pretty good legs, you know. She raised her skirt and looked down at her knees. What do you think? You think I'd look good in them biker things? Grandma Mazur had knees like doorknobs.

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. How does he always get food stuck to him? I asked Morelli. I don't know, Morelli said. It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure. -Morelli And Stephanie

Grandma was wearing a blond Marilyn Monroe wig, a hot pink tank top, black Pilates pants, and black kitten heels. She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air.

Shirley's gonna be pissed, Gazarra said. She hates when I get shot. To my recollection, the only other time Gazarra was shot was when he was playing quick draw in the police station elevator and his gun accidentally discharged. The bullet ricocheted off the elevator wall and lodged in Gazarra's right buttock.

I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn't be so inclined to jump up and strangle my grandmother.

DeAngelo blew up my bus, so I filled his car with shit. Genius, right? DeAngelo didn't blow up the bus, Connie said. I just got the report from the fire marshal. The coffeemaker shorted out and started the fire. Some of the color left Vinnie's face. Say what? Oh man, Lula said. DeAngelo is gonna be pissed. Least he won't know who did it. I left a note, Vinnie said. Lula gave a hoot of laughter and fell off her chair.

You ever get any death threats? How about ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends? You run over anyone recently?" ~ Morelli

be refreshing." Ranger smiled. "There are times when I seriously consider marrying you, but then I get yet another black mark on my path to enlightenment and forgiveness and I scratch marriage off my bucket list." "Really? You think about marrying me?" "Marrying you might be extreme, but once in a while I think about sharing my closet." "You have a really great closet.

Maybe your pregnant. Oops, hold on, you're not pregnant, on account of you're not gettin any.

At the other end of the room, Grandma had the lid up on Larry Lipinski. She was standing one foot on a folding chair, one foot on the edge of the casket, and she was taking pictures with a disposable camera.

Yeah, I like that idea. Maybe he'll shoot at us again. I was hoping someone would shoot at me today. That was the first thing I said when I got up: Boy, I hope I get shot at today.

Stephanie Plum, psycho bait.

Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped - Ranger

You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?" "Yeah. I sucked it out of the church. You know that bird-bath thing they got right up front?" "The baptismal font?" "That's it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking." "Brilliant," I said to Lula. She tapped her head with her finger. "No grass growin' here.

Kate prefers a loaded gun next to her bed. Is that all? Jake asked Kate. Where's your hand grenade? I don't have a hand grenade. What happened to the one I gave you for Christmas? I forgot about that, she said. I guess it's around the apartment somewhere. You lost a hand grenade in your apartment? Nick said. Next time I visit I'll be more careful.

you see what I'm saying? Mooner said. Something else always comes along. You go to jail, you don't have to worry about anything. No rent to pay. No food bill to sweat. Free dental plan. And that's worth something, dude.You don't wnat to stick your nose up at free dental.

Well, sure, but I don't bring God into it. I think shower massage might have been invented by the devil. God invented the missionary position.