Quotes About Humor

It's not a good idea to mess with a woman who has a pimple

Most fathers don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives. They should be ashamed of themselves, Jake said.

This cigarette tastes like ass, she said. I wasn't sure what ass tasted like, but she looked like she would know, so I was willing to take her word for it.

It wouldn't kill you to flirt a little, so I don't remember this assignment as totally sucking. I'm babysitting a guy who thinks he's a leprechaun, and I'm rescuing a has-been horse. The least you could do I grab my ass once in a while.

That shooting gave me an appetite, she said. Somebody pass me the potatoes. Grandma Mazur

Holy Mary, mother of God, my mother said. You were being chased by Richard Nixon, Bill Clinton, and a rabbit.

I was standing with my back to the door, and I saw Connie's eyes go wide. "Be still my heart," Lula said, looking past me, through the window to the sidewalk. I figured they were looking at either Johnny Depp or Ranger. My money was on Ranger.

If Mickey Mouse could fly, he'd be Donald Duck.

I liked you better when you had vordo." "You're not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?" "It'd be limiting," Ranger said, "but at least you wouldn't have your ass on the horn.

That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.

Do you know what I did? I urrrrrinated on the cake at my ex-wife's wedding. Pissssed all over the icing. Melvin Baylor - Seven Up

I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." -Grandma Mazur

My big move was to get out of my underpants without snagging my foot and falling on my face.

Why do you gotta be going somewhere? Seems like it should be enough that we had nachos. And we got meaningful jobs. We catch bad guys. If it wasn't for us, there'd be vampires and all kinds of shit running around loose.

Hey. I know dirty. Vinnie

I can't help it. I'm just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. Excuse me, she said.

And here's the good part: He got a tongue could measure twenty-one inches. Bet Mrs. Giraffe likes that one.

Okay, Ranger said. We're going to walk through the room and look for this guy. Pretend I'm not here. You going to be the wind again? I asked. Ranger grinned. Wiseass.

You took your clothes off? You didn't notice? No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you. If you look under the covers, you'll know me better. I don't want to know you better! That's a big fib, Diesel said.

Diesel sucked air. You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you. I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys! Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

Even more bothersome was the fact that Eddie Kuntz's napkin was moving on his lap without benefit of hands. My first inclination was to shout Snake! and shoot, but probably that wouldn't hold up in court. Besides, as much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.

Is that your granny?" Ranger wanted to know. "Yup. She was checking to make sure Moogey was here." "You've got a helluva gene pool, babe.

My mother is a good Christian woman who would never refuse someone a seat at her table, but I knew this was a nightmare for her. With Lula and Grandma at the table together, it's much more likely that my father will try to stab someone with his fork.

The third message was from my mother. 'Why me?' she said. 'Why do I have to have a daughter who finds dead bodies? Where did I go wrong? Emily Beeber's daughter never finds dead bodies. Joanne Melanowski's daughter never finds dead bodies. Why me!' News travels fast in the Burg.