Quotes About Humor

My feeling is if God wanted me to pick up dog poop he would have made it look like diamonds and smell like roses.

Dancing hotdogs don't say shit.

Ranger slung an arm around me and hugged me into him, and I could feel him laughing.

Morelli grinned down at me. I don't know where he's getting it, but he's got some really good shit in those brownies.

I don't understand how these things happen to you. They don't happen to anyone else. Who else do you know dropped their keys in a Dumpster? No one, that's who. Only you would do such a thing.

Are you laughing? I can feel you laughing. My life isn't funny!" "Babe, your life should be a prime-time sitcom.

You should snap me up," Morelli said. "Not many men would marry you after meeting your grandmother. You're lucky to have me.

That sounds like something sick," Lula said. "What kind of a person would participate in a cornhole competition? I personally wouldn't be involved in anything to do with cornholes.

What did you do?" "Blew up a fuel depot, stole twelve rockets and made off with them in a stolen van, got kidnapped by a maniac, and had dinner with a guy who farted fire." "That would be funny, but I'm worried it's all true." "It's been a long couple days." "Did he really fart fire?" Morelli asked.

It's the twenty-first century," I told Tank. "Women drive." "Only in my bed," Tank said. "Never in my car." I didn't have a reply to that, but I thought it sounded like an okay philosophy. So I beeped the Escape locked, got into Tank's SUV, and we chugged off for my place.

You made the paper again, Grandma said. And the phone's been ringing off the hook. Your mother's in the kitchen, ironing. My mother always irons during times of disaster. Some people drink, some take drugs. My mother irons.

Mañoso grinned. "This is gonna be fun. This here's gonna be like Professor Higgins and Eliza Doolittle Does Trenton.

OKAY, SO HERE'S the thing. My mother's worst fear has come true. I'm a nymphomaniac. I lust after a lot of men. Of course, maybe that's because I don't actually actually have sex with any. And some of my lustings probably aren't

This is a bad idea," Lula said to me. "My nipples are all shrunk up and trying to hide inside my body. It's like what men's gonads do when someone comes at them with a butcher knife. Those suckers abandon ship and there's nothing left but an empty nut sack. Not that I know firsthand. I'm just sayin' what I hear.

Dude," Diesel said. "That's no way to get dessert." Carl snapped to attention. "Eep?" "Cookies," I told him. Carl jumped onto his booster seat, sat ramrod straight, and folded his hands on the table. He was a good monkey. I gave him a cookie, and he shoved it into his mouth. "Manners," Diesel said to him. Carl spit the cookie out onto the table, picked it up, and carefully nibbled at it.

put the lid back on the cookie jar. At this time of the day the traffic would be horrible getting to Dick's. And did I really want to shoot someone? No. So, what was the point in getting bullets? If I felt like I needed bullets tomorrow, I'd have Lula get some for me. They sold ammo at her hair salon.

Will you promise to pick up after yourself?" "No, but I'll hire a cleaning lady.

Your grandmother needs a ride to the viewing, and I'm holding you responsible if she shoots someone, gets arrested, or tries to take a selfie with the deceased.

looked around for Grandma, spotting her and Dougie hiding behind a car on the opposite side of the street. They were wearing Super Suits and they had bath towels pinned around their necks like capes.

I was pretty sure this time "Babe" meant I was giving him a cramp in his sphincter.

Uh oh," Lula said. "Here comes Officer Hottie, and he don't look happy." Morelli moved behind me and curled his fingers into the back of my jacket collar. "I need to talk to you . . . outside." "I wouldn't go if I was you," Lula said to me. "He's wearing his mad cop face. At least you should make him leave his gun here." Morelli shot Lula a look, and she buried her head in the chicken bucket.

I didn't do anything with him. He wanted a date for tonight." "Holy crap," Lula said. "And?" Connie said. "And I had a restless night thinking about it," I told them. "I bet," Lula said. "If it was me I would have been burning out the motor on my intimate appliances.

Every time I get social with you I end up all by myself, naked, in the middle of the street." I rolled my eyes. "That only happened once…and you weren't naked. You were wearing socks and a shirt." "I was speaking figuratively. If you want to get specific, what about the time you locked me in a freezer truck with three corpses? What about the time you ran over me with the Buick?" I threw my hands into the air. "Oh sure, bring up the Buick.

Lula fired off a shot that went wide, and Poletti charged Briggs. Grandma swung her purse just as Poletti swept past her. The big black patent leather bag caught Poletti on the side of the head, and Poletti staggered and crashed to the ground. Ranger cuffed him, and the three cops took over.