Quotes About Humor

You're working with a guy named Tank? He's big. Jesus, Morelli said. I had to fall in love with a woman who works with a guy named Tank. You love me? Of course I love you. I just don't want to marry you.

There was only one way I could see managing this. I got out, ran around the car, opened his door, and straddled him with one leg outside and one foot on the console. Beeeeeep! My ass was on the horn. Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beepbeepbeepbeepbeep! A bead of sweat streaked down the side of Ranger's face. "Babe.

I'll have one of my men drop a car off for you." "Thanks. I'll try not to lose it." "If you can manage to keep it intact for a week, it's yours. If it gets stolen, blown up, crushed by a garbage truck, set on fire, filled with cement, or dies an untimely death by any other means, I'll expect you to spend the night with me.

I could use some lunch." "Do you have any money?" "No," Lula said. "Do you?" "No." "There's only one thing to do then. Senior buffet." Ten minutes later, I pulled into the Costco parking lot.

I rolled my eyes so far into the back of my head I saw myself thinking.

She's a former professional erectile engineer

Grandma pulled a .44 magnum out of her purse. Everybody duck, and I'll shoot out his tires.

He exposed himself,' I said. 'Men aren't supposed to go around exposing themselves at unsuspecting women.' 'Well, technically none of us was unsuspecting,' Grandma said. 'We wait for him to show up. I guess it's one of them generation things. You get to an age and you look forward to seeing a winkie at four in the afternoon when you're peeling potatoes for supper.

Probably Ranger wouldn't even mind that I was here. After all, he's slept in my bed and used my shower. Of course, I was in them at the time.

My eyes never got lower than your nipples. If it wasn't for the fact that Morelli would shoot me I would have taken you on his front lawn.

Okay, so this had all the makings of a cluster fuck, but there was a Dairy Queen Oreo Cheese-Quake Blizzard waiting for me somewhere.

Mr. Morganthal shuffled out of the elevator and winked at me. "Hey, hootchie-mamma," he said. "Want a hot date?" He was ninety-two and lived on the third floor, next to Mrs. Delgado. "You're too late," I told him. "I've already made plans." "That's just as well. You'd probably kill me," Mr. Morganthal said.

I hate this," Morelli said. "Why can't I have a girlfriend who has normal problems . . . like breaking a fingernail or missing a period or falling in love with a lesbian?

How's it going?" Morelli wanted to know. "It's average. Stole a truck. Blew up a house. Brought seven monkeys home with me. And now I have a naked man in my shower." "Yeah, same ol', same ol'," Morelli said.

We've got to get into shape," I said to Lula. "We should go to a gym or something." "I'd sooner set myself on fire.

Dang," Grandma said, "guess I left the wrong hole empty." She leaned forward to examine her handiwork. "Not bad for my first time with a gun. I shot that sucker right in the gumpy.

We didn't do this sort of emotional display. We did temper and sarcasm. Anything beyond temper and sarcasm was virgin territory.

Children. Suppose we have children and it turns out we don't like them?" "If we can like Bob, we can like anything," Morelli said. Bob was in the living room licking lint off the carpet.

Two windows," she said with a smile. "And there's no such word as besweatered." "It's like bespectacled, only with a sweater.

The doorbell rang and Grandma ran to get it. "It's him," she said to me. "It's my honey." My father got out of his chair in the living room and took his seat at the table. "I don't care if he craps in a bag," he said to Ranger. "I'll give you a hundred bucks if you can scare him into marrying her and moving her into his room at the old people's home.

Pbbtlt. It smells like ham, Glo said. It must be Hatchet Hatchet moved out of the shadows. My intent was to capture and torture for information, but you have made my job easy. I now know the clue and can give this information to my master. He's not going to believe you, Glo said. You fart. Hatchet stood tall with one hand on his sword. Everyone doth fart. Not like you, Glo said. You're a ham farter. Hatchet pressed his lips together. Tis a manly fart.

Not only did you steal my truck, but you parked it illegally." "You park illegally all the time." "Only when it's official police business, and I have no other choice … or when it's raining.

Say what? There's no 'and he got naked and waved his magic wand?' 'Nope,' Connie said. 'No magic wand. She didn't get to see the wand.' 'Well, you know he got one,' Lula said. 'How come he didn't wave it and make her a happy princess?

I introduced myself and told him I was looking for his dad. 'Haven't seen him,' he said. 'We aren't close. He's an even bigger dick than me. I mean, dude, he named me Oswald.