Quotes About Humor

Holy cow!" I said. "You can't go to the door like that!" "My gun's in the kitchen." "Yes, but your underwear's on the floor in my bedroom!" And that wasn't the biggest problem.

What's on your bucket list?" I asked. "I got six things so far," Grandma said. "First off, I want new breasts. These ones I got are a mess.

As much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.

The man was irresistible. What's with that? she thought. It was like wanting to bake cookies for the spawn of Satan.

How did you know I was out with Bob? What are you, psychic?" "Nothing that exotic. I called, and your grandma told me you were walking the dog." "Gee, that's disappointing. Next thing you'll be telling me you aren't Superman." Ranger smiled. "You want me to be Superman? Spend the night with me.

You shouldn't be driving," Morelli said to Kloughn. "I know," Kloughn said. "I tried walking, but I was too drunk. It's okay. I was driving very slooooowly and 'sponsibly.

Sliced off like a chicken neck and stuck with a hatpin. Reminded me of my husband." Lula leaned forward so she could whisper. "You talking about size? Was your man's part that big?" "Heck no," Grandma said. "His part was that dead.

There are lots of things we've never talked about. Such as? Children. Suppose we have children and it turns out we don't like them? If we can like Bob, we can like anything, Morelli said. Bob was in the living room licking lint off the carpet.

Whoever thought a naked beach was a good idea never sat in one.

Is that why you have hand grenades and a garrote in your nightstand? They're sleep aids.

His can of pepper spray was bigger than my can of pepper spray.

We've got to get into shape," I said to Lula. "We should go to a gym or something." "I'd sooner set myself on fire." That about summed it up for me, too.

Remember, so swashing anyone into the trunk of your car!" "Sure," Lula said, "I know that

Finding out" with Ranger is a whole different deal than finding out with Lula. Lula and I are Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz. Ranger is Batman.

You always did have a problem with undies. Remember when you wet your pants in the second grade? - Joyce Barnhardt

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time rolling on the ground with men who think a stiffy represents personal growth.

Mrs. Morelli opened the door to us and smacked Joe on the side of the head. Sex fiend. Just like your father, God rest his rotten soul. Morelli grinned down at his mother. It's a curse.

That's just terrible. Obviously the woman needed a cannoli. I don't know what this world's coming to when you get arrested for needing a cannoli.

I bet," Lula said. "If it was me I would have been burning out the motor on my intimate appliances.

You can't be mad at me," Ranger said. "I'm cute. I might even be adorable.

I'll have Ella order some Rangeman shirts for you. If you decide to go back to Vinnie you can keep the shirts." Ranger almost smiled. "I like the idea of you wearing my name on your breast.

Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

Morelli ran after him, there was a lot of yelling and growling, and Morelli came down empty-handed. "He ate it," Morelli said. I was horrified to the point of gagging. Ranger stared down at his shoe, making a monumental effort not to laugh. And Morelli stood hands on hips, staring at the bloody splotch on his rug.

I cut my eyes to the alley. Ranger was still there, doubled over the steering wheel, shaking with laughter.