Quotes About Humor

There were two doors that opened off the hallway. The doors were labeled PUSSY and MOTHERFUCKERS. I'm taking the Motherfuckers door, I said to Ranger. No way. That's my door. Well, I'm sure as hell not taking the Pussy door.

I want to see your tailpipe fading off into the sunset. Good luck, I thought. My tailpipe was somewhere on Route 1, along with my muffler.

Oh good. I love being bait for a homicidal mutilator. Stephanie Plum

I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, I yelled. I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough...my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!

Holy Crap,' Carolli said. 'You shot Jesus. That's gonna take a lot of Hail Marys.

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang, Grandma said. Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

I almost never shoot people.

Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs. "I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums," she said. Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. "If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I'll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace.

I rolled my eyes so far into the top of my head I almost fell over backward.

We don't usually write up accidents involving rabbits. - Joe Morelli

Stephanie Plum: Do you have your stun gun and pepper sray? Lula: Does a chicken have a pecker? I could invade Bulgaria with the shit i've got in my handbag.

That's how you tell what a man's really made of. It's one thing for a man to be big and brave and kill a spider. Any man could do that. Trailin' after a woman when she's shopping for thongs and push-up bras is a whole other category of man. And then if you want to see how far you can go with it, you ask him to carry one of those little pink bags they give you.

I'd hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.

As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don't care if he's Jack the Ripper.

Get me a gun. If I don't go into labor soon, I'm going to shoot myself. And pass the gravy. Pass it now. Valerie - To the Nines

A woman's never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity.

Morelli smiled. It could have been Jenny Ragucci. That makes much more sense. I had good luck with sluts. I looked over at him. All in the past, Morelli said. I'm a cupcake man now. Whoa, dude, Mooner said. That's so, like, cosmic.

It's the twenty-first century. I told Tank. Women drive. Only in my bed, Tank said. Never in my car.

On the bright side, I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll ever get firebombed, so maybe you'll have better luck next time.

I don't know if it's a good idea to give a woman a box of bullets when she's got a pimple.

Of course it's your fault, Grandma said. You must be doing something wrong, if you know what I mean. Maybe you need to buy a book that tells you how to do it. I hear there are books out there with pictures and everything. I saw one in the store the other day. It was called A Sex Guide for Dummies.

I'd slept with Ranger! Not sexually, of course. But I'd been in his bed. And then there was the evil shower gel. It was all because of the shower gel, I said. Morelli's eyes narrowed. Shower gel? I made a major effort not to sigh. Long story. You probably don't want to hear it.

Maybe it was me, Grandma said.Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

My Spanish is limited to burrito and taco