Quotes About Humor

My grandmother says your grandmother is stalking her.

He pooped twice, and I didn't pick it up. My feeling is if God wanted me to pick up dog poop he would have made it look like diamonds and smell like roses.

Who else's wife did you sleep with?" Lula asked. "Recently?" Lula turned to me. "And we're supposed to be keeping him from getting a rocket up his butt why?

Think you should stop your whining, she said to Kuntz, on account of it makes you look like a wiener. And with a name like Kuntz you gotta be careful what you look like.

You need a real gun," Lula said. "I don't need a real gun. I'm not shooting anyone." "Suppose they shoot at you first?" "I wave my arms in the air, scream like a girl, and run away as fast as I can.

Janet Evanovich

I'll go with you," Lula said. "Maybe I'll get a look at the killer Chihuahuas. And besides, I want to ride in Ranger's Porsche.

I got a body stuck to my windshield!" Lula yelled. "I can't drive like this! I can't get my wipers to work. How am I supposed to drive with a dead guy on my wipers?

I thought your mother liked me." "My grandmother likes you. My mother worries that you might be related to Satan.

I'm going to run you down, back over you, and then I'm going to get out and shock you with my stun gun until your hair catches fire.

Riley decided the man was physically a ten, but intellectually he was a certifiable fruit basket.

this long enough and you get to wishing he'd take a poop," Lula said. We got out of my SUV, and I hung cuffs from my back pocket and stuck a small canister of pepper spray in the other back pocket. Lula was wearing a poison green spandex

zombie, all you have to do is douse your shop in my stink spray.

My son never eats baloney. He says the stuff in baloney will kill you. I say when? I've got cataracts, high blood pressure, enlarged prostate, skin cancer, hemorrhoids, an artificial hip, false teeth, and gas. Every day I take eleven different pills and a stool softener. And now I'm supposed to worry about baloney.

She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air.

No way," she said. "The lid was already up." "Did you stick the dead guy with a pin to make sure he was dead?" "I didn't do that either. And I only did that once

What's up?" I asked my mother. "I just got fourteen phone calls about someone hitting Joseph's Grandma Bella in the face with a chocolate cream pie when she was walking out of the funeral home. They said she was going out the side door for some reason, and someone came out of nowhere and hit her with the pie." "Did they know who did it?" Grandma asked. "Bella said it was you.

Whose birthday?" I asked. "No one's," Connie said. "We're celebrating that you're not dead.

I wasn't much good with a gun, but I was bitchin' with an aerosol can.

I always wanted to eat with a Negro, Grandma said. Yeah, well, I always wanted to eat with a boney-assed old white woman, Lula said. So I guess this works out good. Grandma and Lula did some complicated handshake thing. Bitchin', Grandma said.

It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They'd just settled their brains for a long winter's nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear.

Yeah, but you're gonna need a new liver one of these days, and that costs money," Grandma said. I

Gravy isn't a food group." "Say what?

And I don't think we're completely incompetent. I think we're closer to eighty percent incompetent.