Quotes About Humor

When people laugh at me, they are not laughing in the way that they normally would at a comedian. They are laughing with relief, because the truth has been spoken, and political correctness has not strangled this particular gigastar.

My dad, as much as I love him, has one of those signs - 'The Isbell's' - on his front door, and he's got the damn apostrophe in there. I haven't strangled him yet.

At age 68, I expect to be strapped to the couch with the remote control like Jim Royle.

Every town you go to, they tell you what's special about their town. What they're number one at... This guy comes up and says, 'D'you know that we're the home of the world's largest frying pan?' '...Really! That is great 'cause I'm writin' a new book called Things I Don't Care About.

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father...' You don't talk to you friends like that. 'Ed, Ed, come over, Ed, Ed, Ed, you are, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, ooh, Ed, Ed, Ed' - he wouldn't be your friend anymore if you did that! Like, 'You keep saying Ed...my name's Joe!

You need to go sit on the pot.

Do not siphon gas with your mouth.

I could always make people around me laugh. It was more of a defense mechanism more than anything else, because I was a pretty shy guy.

This guy's testimony is awesome. I hate my testimony. I wish I was addicted to heroin. But no. I had to grow up in a somewhat functional family situation. It's just not fair. Why can't I be a crack addict who robbed Fort Knox using nothing but a can of hairspray and a plastic ice cream scoop? Thanks a lot, God.

There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices.

My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical.

Sometimes laughing isn't the best judge of what's funny, 'cause I think there's a lot of things that are really funny that don't make you laugh, that don't make you physically, audibly make a noise, but is something that is much more powerful than that.

I think the great sketch shows, like 'Python' and 'Mr. Show ' they didn't stick around for very long. There's something kind of cool about that.

I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway.

Most of my ideas just come out funny.

When Steve and I die, we are going to be buried in the same cemetery, 60-feet 6-inches apart.

His winning opener: 'Hello, English cycleman friend! I have 67 years.

Puns are the E. coli of humor,

Ah, college, when you could occasionally get a date through the judicious application of English-major bullshit.

And, most importantly: Thank you, Satan! I couldn't have done it without you.

Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren't really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That's how I felt.

it gets a little tiresome when you're so high you go to the movies and look up at the marquee and think the starting times are the ticket prices. I mean, I remember standing there going, 'Ten-fifteen? What kind of price is ten dollars and fifteen cents?' It's a hassle." "Yeah, one time I was putting gas in my car and thought the number of gallons was the price. I even got into an argument with the cashier. It was hilarious.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'