Quotes About Humor

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

The piano has been drinking, not me.

Oh I don't mind going to weddings, just as long as it's not my own...

I've never been a fan of personality-conflict burgers and identity-crisis omelets with patchouli oil. I function very well on a diet that consists of Chicken Catastrophe and Eggs Overwhelming and a tall, cool Janitor-in-a-Drum. I like to walk out of a restaurant with enough gas to open a Mobil station.

On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick.

I'm the type of guy who'd sell you a rat's asshole for a wedding ring.

Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public.

Alright, who's the wise guy who turned the light out at the end of my tunnel?

Are you suppose to wear swimming trunks when you are in the car pool lane?

Clowns taste funny.

Do you think that Jesus looked both ways before crossing?

Every 7 seconds there is a woman somewhere in the world giving birth to a child. We must find that woman and stop her!

Have you ever used Diet Shampoo before? It's for people with Fat Heads.

My mom was a truck driver and my dad use to call her a mother trucker.

One time a waitress asked me how I wanted my eggs, I said "Cooked".

Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?

Sometimes I'm so clever that I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying.

The first time I ever did stand up comedy a guy yelled out "Down in front". So I just sat down and watched the rest of the movie.

There are no stupid questions except What's my name again?

Yesterday a women told me that she was a medium but I'm pretty sure that she was an extra large.

You'll have to forgive me, I went to public school.

They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it.

Richard Okay... seatbelts. Just put the little thing into the big thing and... I tell ya what. If you don't know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I'll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you're a RETARD

Tommy Did you hear I graduated Richard Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right. Tommy You know a lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard I know, they're called doctors.