Quotes About Humor

One: Don't play leapfrog with elephants. Two: Don't pet a tiger unless his tail is wagging. Three: Never, ever, mess with the Ladies Auxiliary. -Mayberry Rules for a Long, Happy Life

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

My pet peeve is hearing a knock on the bathroom door followed by the familiar words, 'What are you doing in there?

See?" I'd whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. "He never argues with her. Isn't that sweet?" A snort preceded his response. "Keep dreaming, pet.

I love these pet names," she said, gazing soulfully up into his eyes, "Nitwit. Sap skull. Termagant. How they make my heart flutter!

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

A tortoise is, I suppose, a Jewish pet. It knows its place. Out on the lawn. It doesn't bark. It doesn't tear the Dralon.

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Socrates should have written comics.

Someone asked me once what my philosophy of life was, and I said some crazy thing. I should have said, how the hell do I know?

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.

Who am I, why am I here? Forget the question, someone give me another beer.

As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

The cause of laughter is simply the sudden perception of the incongruity between a concept and the real project.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

The world I believe is far too serious, and being far too serious ... it has need of a wise and merry philosophy.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.