Quotes About Humor

You even called me stupid in your verse, and I'm almost agreeing, for where stupidity is involved, you are quite an expert, friend.

The real Stephen Colbert is a practicing Catholic. He teaches Sunday school. He can recite chapter and verse of chapter and verse - from both the King James Bible and 'The Lord of the Rings.'

Everyone in my family is very supportive, and any mention of family in my show is just, in my idea, the funniest version of the family of the guy of who's performing.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

You don't think that mean people can be funny, and Jane Lynch is the epitome of that. If there could be, like, a gay version of 'Mean Girls,' I'd totally be in it.

I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.

The American version of 'The Office' is fantastic.

People tell me I'm like the country version of Justin Timberlake. Actually, the other day someone told me I was an unathletic version of Justin Timberlake, and I was like, 'I'll take that.'

I think it's natural if you're doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure out the real version of the joke.

For me, 'The Goldbergs' was about surviving a crazy family - and believe me, the show is a sanitized version!

I know family comes first, but shouldn't that mean after breakfast?

Rectory always sounded to me like a place you would find a proctologist.

It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being. Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO. The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile. What a scamp.

Hello there, officer, just out for a walk. Lovely evening for a dismemberment, isn't it?

So you're not going to die, are you? she [Astor] asked politely. Not yet, I said. Not until after you do your homework. She nodded, glanced toward the kitchen, and said, I hate math. Then she wandered away down the hall, presumably to hate math at closer range.

My God, I said. You move so silently. So you have had ninja training. I have two older brothers, Vince said. It's the same thing. I held up the white paper bag and bowed. Master, I bring a gift. He looked at the bag curiously. My Buddha bless you, grasshopper. What is it? I tossed him the bag. It hit him in the chest and slid to the floor. So much for ninja training, I said.

If I ever have to see something like that again, he told us, I will retire and raise dachshunds.

What's in here? That hurt." He reached into the bag, frowning. "It better not be body parts." He pulled out the huge cinnamon roll and eyed it. "Ay, caramba. My village will not starve this year. We are very grateful, grasshopper." He bowed, holding up the pastry. "A debt repaid is a blessing on us all, my child.

Vince had answered the door in a body-hugging satin gown with a basket of fruit on his head. "J. Edgar Hoover?" I asked him.

So I wanted to make you a nice French meal," she said. "Coq au vin." She said it with her best Bad French accent, caca van, and a very small lightbulb came on in my head. "Caca van?" I said, and I looked at Astor. She nodded. "Poop van," she said.

They both took it all in stride, although Renny harangued his fans with loud and profane insults. They seemed to like it, and it certainly kept Robert amused.

She said it through a mouthful of pizza and still made it sound as if she was explaining shoelaces to someone with brain damage.

If there really is a God, which is, at very best, extremely debatable, he has a terrible sense of humor. Because the detective in charge of deciphering the carnage is Detective Anderson, a man who has lived his life without making a friend of intelligence, wit, or competence. And

Great, now I'm a moron," Vince grumbled, and nodded at me. "You see how smart you are with Simone Legree halfway up your ass.