Quotes About Humor

If I were a lesbian and had a thing for narcissistic ex-sorority girls? I'd totally do me. Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, or Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office: A Memoir

But there's always a chance she's hiding a flask and a Nixon-esque Enemies List in her pinafore apron, which is exactly why we're such good friends.

Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material.

I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out in New Year's Eve.

Presently, Mary Mac—that's what we call her for short—has churned out more kids than I can count. It's like she's a hoarder, only for children. In terms of personal achievement, she's pretty much the patron saint of minivans and stretch marks. What is that meme I've seen about the prolific 19 Kids and Counting mother? Ah, yes, "It's a vagina, not a clown car." Add one persecution complex, stir, and, boom! Meet my older sister.

You don't have to be a writer, though, to know that making fun of yourself is a good way to deflect being made fun of. Like many people, I am hypercritical about myself so that I beat the haters to the punch. When I acknowledge my foibles first, no one else can use them against me. I've taken away everyone else's power to make me feel less about myself by doing it first.

you know that peanut butter's now considered a hate crime? Because it totally is.]

Anyone who grew up in a household where carob passed for chocolate and apple pies were actually filled with zucchini will feel me here.

like it. And, hey, why do I have so much sand in my crotch?" Okay

if you're going to be a jerk about something, make sure you're funny.

I love zucchini. I love everything about zucchini. I love saying the word "zucchini." Zucchini, zucchini, zucchini! Even the individual syllables are charming! You can't not be happy around such a big, green, comical-sounding foodstuff. Zucchini's hilarious and delicious!

I'm often forced to lie on the floor and use a rat-tail comb to properly zip them.

She makes tsk-tsk sounds as she unpacks grocery sacks full of Pop-Tarts, mini chimichangas, and a frozen patty-based product called "Chykyn Wingzz," which I suspect contains neither chicken nor wings. "Kel

A few years ago, I read an article saying that the mortality rate for comedians is higher than those serving in the military. How heartbreaking is that? When we think of comedy, we think funny, light, and uplifting, never considering those for whom the burden was too much, like Robin Williams, Richard Jeni, Drake Sather, or Charles Rocket.

That's so funny. Personally, I, too, have always found my swagger coach to be more skilled at providing treatment than an accredited medical professional." Nicole

We are all perfect in our own, magnificent, fucked-up ways. Laugh at yourself. Love yourself and others. Rejoice in the cosmic ridiculousness.

Anderson sent me to give you this he said. I believe the subtext was kiss and makeup. This time I was sure I made a face. I rather kiss a copperhead. I grabbed the envelop from his hand. He laughed and held up his hands in surrender. Don't worry. It was only a figure of speech.

I would say I couldn't be in a relationship without equality, generosity, integrity, spirit, kindness and humor. And awesomeness!

Rita could find fault with a twenty-one-gun salute in her honor. "Too noisy," she'd complain. "All that gun powdah makes me cough." Bernice, on the other hand, was overjoyed when a salesman from the cremation place informed her that her ashes would weigh about six pounds. "Thin at last!" she shrieked.

What Jews do you know who don't make comedy of their lives? It's part of the religion. I'll bet you think all that Hebrew at bar mitzvahs is prayers, don't you? Fooled you, didn't we? It's stand-up.

With my distorted face and cane, I'd look like the Hunchbelly of St. Pat's.

I'll never forget my first time with you' Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. 'The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at lunch.

Say, 'Thank you, Phin.' " "Oh, please." "Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. " "I don't think so." "Say, 'You are a great lover, Phin.' " "I'm out of here.

no more pep talks about believing in toads, Liza said. Don't they turn into princeses when you kiss them? Bonnie said. Thats frogs, Liza Said. Entirely different species.