Quotes About Humor

Pointing to the oversized crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient wise man proclaimed, "A child is bored." Yes, well, so was this adult.

if you're not cute, you might as well be clever.

What's the worst thing you can hear while you're blowing Willie Nelson? "I'm not really Willie Nelson.

This was for me one of those adult moments involving a choice. Do you shrug your shoulders and say, "I couldn't get it to work either," or do you tell the woman she spent the weekend trying to open a wine bottle with the broken knob to the dishwasher?

Something in the early summer of 2019 had us all thinking about enormous gaping assholes.

Dad doesn't pay attention when you talk to him, so Paul's taken to throwing the term IRS into his sentences. Then it's suddenly: "Hold on a second, what did you say?

Late in her life, my mother embraced the word "fuck" but could never quite figure out its place in a sentence.

Last year a woman decided she wanted a picture of her cat sitting on Santa's lap, so she smuggled it into Macy's in a duffel bag. The cat sat on Santa's lap for five seconds before it shot out the door, and it took six elves forty-five minutes before they found it in the kitchen of the employee cafeteria.

If you're looking for sympathy you can find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Hugh and I returned to Normandy the following summer, and I resumed my identity as the village idiot. "See you again yesterday!" I said to the butcher. "Ashtray! Bottleneck!

Someone stopped Mitch on the street last night and said, "I need another seventy-five cents so I can buy a cheeseburger. How about helping me?" Mitch said, "Get it without the cheese," and continued walking.

I'll do the snails on cinnamon toast.

If he thinks we're bad, he should spend more time with Lisa." "That's true," I agreed. "Lisa's the master. I left her at a Starbucks for ninety seconds last year, and when I returned the woman behind the counter was saying to her, 'My gynecologist told me that exact same thing.

It would make me eligible for health insurance, which I'll need after I slit my wrists.

She'd never expressed any great interest in the outdoors, so I scattered her remains on the carpet and then vacuumed her back up.

He tells me that my life is empty, but it isn't quite because I bought some pot today.

Or of the pilot who somberly said as he turned off the seat belt sign at the end of a flight, "All rise.

I don't know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens or seals who wear uniforms, and then rereading them if the child so orders. In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: "Shut up.

I generally start the conversation immediately, that way the person wanting a book signed never has to say the things they've stood in line agonizing over, and that they will most likely regret later on. There are exceptions, though. I was in Baton Rouge in late May 2013, when a woman approached, saying, before I had a chance to throw her off balance, "You got me to put my bra back on." I set down my pen. "I beg your pardon?

There's a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus "Leave me the fuck alone" comes out as "Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point." This

Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of marijuana, and it's funny how sleep sort of just comes…I'm now told that this is not called 'going to sleep' but rather 'passing out,' a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgement.

A few hours laterDad called again. The vet had put his Great Dane, Sophie, on antibiotics, and, figuring it was all basically the same thing, he had started taking them. I'm just not sure of the dose, he said. Lisa then called me. Can you believe this? I thought she was upset that her father was taking pills meant for a dog, and then I remembered who I was talking to. I mean, how is Sophie supposed to get better when Dad is taking all her medicine? I just don't think that's right.

My brother politely ma'ams and sirs all strangers but refers to friends and family, his father included, as either "bitch" or "motherfucker.

By Thanksgiving I was imagining people naked rather than dead and naked, which was an improvement.