Quotes About Humor

When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.")

And it's bad enough to be caught in your underpants but even worse to be caught in your underpants scratching out a valium prescription on someone else's pad.

Every day spent with you is like having a cesarean section.

I had that in my mouth ten minutes ago and now it's a private part?

I see his presidential bid as just another commercial for himself. It wouldn't surprise me if he were to name the Hamburglar as his running mate.

if you think too hard about anything it's bound to take the fun out of it.

You're trying to convince me?" Amy asked. "The one who has a second apartment two blocks from her first apartment just so she can get away from her rabbit for a couple of hours a day?

One of the people I voted for this morning was named Lee Botts. Her campaign slogan is HER BOTTOM LINE IS CLEAN WATER. Someone tampered with the sign she had in front of the school, and now it reads LEE BOTTS. HER BOTTOM IS CLEAN.

Look," I'll say to Jesus, "enough is enough. I suggest we nail some boards together and have ourselves an old-fashioned crucifixion.

July 7, 1995 New York Someone stopped Mitch on the street last night and said, "I need another seventy-five cents so I can buy a cheeseburger. How about helping me?" Mitch said, "Get it without the cheese," and continued walking

For my fifty dollars, I want to leave the doctor's office in tears, but instead I walk out feeling like a hypochondriac, which is one of the few things I'm actually not.

them. "You said it was how big?

David Sedaris

In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: "Shut up." That was always the last thing we heard before our lights were turned off. Our artwork did not hang on the refrigerator or anywhere near it, because our parents recognized it for what it was: crap. They did not live in a child's house, we lived in theirs.

Then he wrestled me to the floor, grabbed my hand, and forced it deep into what amounted to my family's asshole.

For a while, when I was eleven or so, I used to drop the empty cardboard toilet rolls into the john. They would take a while to disappear, five or six flushes usually, but I was in no hurry.

I'm not sure how long I lay there, blissed-out and farting.

Yes, I am talking about boat trailers, but also I am dying.

In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, "Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.

While each of us thought, separately, Amy brought up Fran Lebowitz. Someone asked her what her favorite animal is and she answered, 'Steak.' Isn't that perfect?

Man ordering at Butera's deli/prepared-foods counter: "Hey, give me one of them chickens what spins around.

Given all the time I've spent in the country, you'd think I might have seen a calf being born, but this was a first for me. The biggest surprise was how nonplussed the expectant mother was. For a while she lay flat on the grass, panting. Then she got up and began grazing, still with those feet sticking out. "Really?" I said to her. "You can't go five minutes without eating?

There was a sink for washing glasses and an assortment of cartoon napkins illustrating the lighter side of alcoholism.

And there's no point in me doing anything if I can't write about it," I continued. "It would be like . . . walking ten miles without my Fitbit on—a complete waste. I mean, I do do things I don't write about: I use the bathroom, I have sex, but I try to be quick about it.