Quotes About Humor

Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.

My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin Tubby Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.

Use the word 'ya'll' and before you knew it, you'd find yourself in a haystack french-kissing an underage goat

I had no job at the time and was living off the cruel joke I referred to as my savings.

To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the left, Jean-Claude. I long to capture the playful quality of your buttocks.

My sister Amy lives above a deaf girl and has learned quite a bit of sign language. She taught some to me and so now I am able to say, "SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito.

The iPhone 2 led to the 3, but I didn't get the 4 or 5 because I'm holding out for the 7, which, I've heard on good authority, can also be used as a Taser. This will mean I'll have just one less thing to carry around.

My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. 'I think it was very nice of Paul to give me this vase,' she once said, arranging a bouquet of wildflowers into the skull-shaped bong my brother had left on the kitchen table. 'It's nontraditional, but that's the Rooster's way. He's a free spirit, and we're lucky to have him.

Either he was suffering a terrible case of gas or he had a pint-size child practicing the trumpet in his back pocket.

Neither were we allowed to choose what we ate. I have a friend whose seven-year-old will only consider something if it's white. Had I tried that, my parents would have said, You're on, and served me a bowl of paste, followed by joint compound, and, maybe if I was good, some semen.

Leeches are singing in my asshole.

If I'd been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but was just a little too gung ho for my taste.

Oh, offensive jokes…when, if ever, will your time come around again?

Later that night I met a Bulgarian. "In my country, you say to someone you hate, 'May you build a house from your kidney stones.'" Well, finally, I thought.

Use the word "y'all," and before you knew it, you'd find yourself in a haystack French-kissing an underage goat. Along with grits and hush puppies, the abbreviated form of you all was a dangerous step on an insidious path leading straight to the doors of the Baptist church.

never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk near a train, and never, under any circumstances, cut off your air supply while masturbating.

Story-telling is pivotal to our well-being, as are nonethnic jokes and riddles.

But songbirds are trash, the chicken said, and the guinea hen laughed, saying, Well, then, I guess we could all use a little more trash in our lives.

What are you doing?' Hugh moaned as I stepped out of the dressing room. 'That's three pairs of culottes you'll own now.' All I could say in my defense was 'Maybe I have a busy life.

Good girl, Rachel. Now, let's get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won't quit until you're twenty-one

I'm going to have you fired!" and I wanted to lean over and say, "I'm going to have you killed.

That man tried to picka my frienda's pocketoni!