Quotes About Humor

There are really two essential things in campaigning. First, you must be in good humor. If you're going to be a raffle, you are to stay home. Second, you are to make sense in your speeches. These aren't the two things you must do. Unless you're saying, if you can be in good humor when you're exhausted. – Henry Cabot Lodge

I had a tumor. But it was great.

Here's the second joke: Two psychiatrists meet on the street and say hello. "How are you?" asks one. "Eh, not so good," says the other. "I had a stupid misunderstanding, a slip of the tongue. I was visiting my mother out at the old folks' home. We were having lunch and I asked her to pass me the salt, but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch you ruined my life.

one day Satan himself visits, along with his great-grandmother—who is, not surprisingly, a total fucking bitch.

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.

What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.

It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

Have a blessed day." This can make you feel like you've been sprayed against your will with God cologne.

I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.

Thanks stadium pal!

In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, 'Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl'.

I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.

This grown man who now phones his father to say, Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.

I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the perfect pet bowls. The mugs were set on the kitchen floor and remained there until the cat chipped a tooth and went on a hunger strike.

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

After I die, and you read something bad about yourself in my diary, do yourself a favor and keep reading," I often say to Hugh. "I promise that on the next page you'll find something flattering. Or maybe the page after that.

She said, "I'm going to have you fired." I had two people say that to me today, "I'm going to have you fired." Go ahead, be my guest. I'm wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn't get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? I'm going to have you fired!" and I wanted to lean over and say, "I'm going to have you killed.

I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.

There's a lot I don't tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn't understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, 'Thanks for asking, but I'm really not into white guys right now.

Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?

They were Jesuits, she told me. That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting.

Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.