Quotes About Humor

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.

I don't think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

It was a raucous affair—the two cultures meshing together on the dance floor in a riot of yarmulkes and kilts. A fine time was had by all, but a word of caution for anyone thinking of making a similar match: the Jewish tradition of dancing the hora with the bride and groom hoisted high on chairs is liable to clash, spectacularly, with the Scottish tradition of wearing kilts with no underwear, so be prepared for fainting relatives.

The most prolific teachers of critical thinking in my lifetime are stand-up comedians

Like all true horse's asses, he hoped to go into politics.

You know the difference between an asshole and an anus?" He spoke from the side of his mouth. "What's that?" "An anus can't say 'that went well.

He studied me. "You were in Nam?" I nodded. "Yep." He turned to Lolo. "Hey, Chief, how many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" She stared at him. "I don't know." He pointed his cigar at her in an agitated fashion. "That's right, because you weren't there, man!" We

though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will live forever. If I don't, I sure as hell won't become an unattended death in the state of Wyoming with sheep shit all over me.

Sit down, you're puttin' a crick in my neck.

Bubba the Sheep Squeezer in

A woman escaped death when a bullet shot by her jealous husband lodged in her breast implant. And I almost lost a thumb.

However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.

If money makes the world go round, it's humor that keeps it from spinning out of control.

Long distance is hard. You have to trust that as you each change on your own, your relationship will also change along with you. It takes hope, good humor, and idealism. It takes a massive dose of courage to protect the relationship at all odds. It is hard, but worth it. You'll both be stronger as a result.

In his autobiography Stravinsky relates that the first music he remembers was made by a peasant, working his hand in his armpit to produce a rhytmic farting.

I am not no swine," Archie said. He spread peanut butter on his bread, dotted it with cream cheese and jam, added a piece of ham, and finally topped it with a wedge of banana. "Because a swine is two or more pigs, and I'm only one pig." He added an olive to his masterpiece by way of garnish, and bit off a good quarter of it.

Some concepts are alien to the Glaswegian mind. Salad. Dentistry. Forgiveness.

My dog is half pit-bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

la Delfina se cayó al suelo cuando montaba sobre un asno, dijo riendo: Id a buscar a madame Noailles, ella os dirá que ordena la etiqueta cuando una reina de Francia no sabe mantener el equilibrio sobre un asno. María Antonieta, Reina de Francia

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

There are people who can talk sensibly about a controversial issue they're called humorists.

Oh, get off the cross!" V shouted when I shared my thoughts with her on the phone. "We need the wood!