Quotes About Humor

I might come but I won't like it." His lips turned up slowly. "You won't like it?" "Okay, I might like it, but I won't be happy I liked it." He bit back a broader smile.

Husband," she said and her lips curved, before she grinned. "Since we can't wear wedding rings and still shift, do I get my fur lined cuffs instead?

As a professional comedian, it's my theory that people get into comedy because there's something missing in their own personal life, and they need that void filled through laughter and acceptance onstage.

If you think I'm handsome, there's obviously nothing wrong with your vision.

I don't need my head examined, but where were you when I married my second husband. Sheesh.

The look he was going for was Friendly Suburban Dad, because that's what he was, but he suspected he'd achieved only Cialis Guy.

Grandma said that a skillet's good for three things: frying chicken, baking corn bread, and going upside an obstinate man's head.

I stand guard," Yasha said. He got out of the SUV and pulled a sawed-off shotgun out from under his seat. "And keep our exit open," Ian told him. Yasha grinned crookedly. "Don't I always?" He looked at me and his grin broadened. "Scream if something jumps at you." I tried for a grin; it felt more like a grimace. "Don't I always?

I went out with this one guy. I was very excited about it. He took me out to dinner; he made me laugh; he made me pay. He's like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot my wallet." "Really? I forgot my vagina."

Only one sort of man is worse than an Italian when it comes to their appetite for women." "Oh? And what is that?" "A Frenchmen.

Off course, if Steven had a wife in the attic, like Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre, that, I thought, would be another matter entirely. But the very idea made me laugh. His building had no attic, and his one small closet couldn't even hold a skeleton. It was too packed with clothes, his and mine.

Laughing carry you over a tough time,

My pappy used to say, any day you don't find a reason to laugh is like livin' two days, neither one of them worth a whit.

Sometimes, talking to Amber was like herding cats.

Do you work at the grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?

Alicia, do I sell fertilizer?" Massie asked. "No, why?" Alicia fell for Massie's setup. "Then why do you think I give a crap?

Gentleman Jim [dog] was cheerful enough, partly because his owner was so well trained... He had alsot trained him to get up when he didn't want to, simply by climbing slowly and painfully on top of him and squeezing all the breath out of him as he slept. On the occasions this didn't work and Gordon seemed to be simply lapsing into a coma, Gentleman Jim would unroll his massive tongue, containing over a half a pint of drool, and dribble it slowly into his ear until Gordon finally awoke...

I went out to lunch today and ordered a Dr. Pepper. The waitress said, "We don't have Dr. Pepper; we have Mr. Pibb. It's the same thing." It's not the same thing at all. Dr. Pepper went to school an extra four years. He's much more qualified to be a soft drink. We don't even know if Mr. Pibb has a G.E.D.

Going out with a jerky guy is kind of like having a piece of food caught in your teeth. All your friends notice it before you do.

Did you know, ma'am, that our mutual friend can say "kiss my arse" in six languages?

And I am not old," she continued. "I am but thirty." "Ah, but you will be thirty-one come the sixth of March," he said. "You certainly are not young." "I believe we may have to return to the topic of my weight," she said tartly. "You will be more apt to see thirty-six that way.

If aw his hums and haws were hams and haggises, the country wad be weel fed!

How do you make a sausage roll? ... Roll it down a hill!

Whoa dude. My belt came undone when you said that.