Quotes About Humor

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Some people might say, "Who would want to be 90?" And I say, Anyone who is 89.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Look at Bob Hope. Look at Milton Berle, George Burns. Look how long they lived. Seeing the funny side of things keeps you alive.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

Money's scarce Times are hard Here's your fucking Xmas card

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.