Quotes About Humor

True decadence involves taking nothing too seriously

And wit only sounds like wit when there's someone around to appreciate it.

There's only one thing that unnerves me more than the company of an ugly woman in the evening, and that's the company of the same ugly woman the following morning.

The man uttering these words had a face like the Golem of Prague and a barrel-shaped body that belonged on a beer cart. He wore a short leather coat and a cap with a peak that grew straight out of his forehead. He had ears like an Indian elephant, a mustache like a toilet brush, and more chins than the Shanghai telephone directory

The wasps had broke into your gallipots, And Eaten Up Your Apricots

I have had it with these dumb cakes on this dumb spaceship!

Friends don't leave friends behind to wash dishes for yetis!

Doctor Spielvogel, this is my life, my only life, and I'm living it in the middle of a Jewish joke! I am the son in the Jewish joke—only it ain't no joke!

Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it.

Comedy is an imitation of the common errors of our life.

Wow, there's lumps in the cosmic gravy. No seriously, there's lumps in the cosmic gravy!" -Phish, July 30th, 2017

I don't think I'd want to bring that faithless lover back to me. I'd much rather turn him into a frog." "Girl, he already was one.

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

I don't know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I have a driving tip for you: Never hit the lead car in a funeral. I have never seen that many people in that bad a mood.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.