Quotes About Humor

Oh my God! You're wearing your bowling shoes! Only you would wear bowling shoes to your child's sickbed.

Oh, my God! Ignatius mumbled, looking at the austere little calling card. You can't really be named Dorian Greene. Yes, isn't that wild? Dorian asked languidly. If I told you my real name, you'd never speak to me again. It's so common I could die just thinking of it. I was born on a wheat farm in Nebraska. You can take it from there.

When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occassional cheese dip. ? John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces

Y qué anda haciendo ahora esa Myrna? —preguntó con suspicacia la señora Reilly—. ¿Cómo es que escribe tanto? Ella sí que necesitaba un buen baño, qué chica aquella, Dios. —La psique de Myrna sólo puede tratar con el agua en un contexto oral. —¿Qué? —¿Querrías tener la bondad de dejar de gritar como una pescadera y largarte? ¿No tienes una botella de moscatel haciéndose en el horno?

John Kennedy Toole

She offered Patrolman Mancuso a torn and oily cake box that looked as if it had been subjected to unusual abuse during someone's attempt to take all of the doughnuts at once. At the bottom of the box Patrolman Mancuso found two withered pieces of doughnut out of which, judging by their moist edges, the jelly had been sucked.

John Kennedy Toole

When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.

producing Mr. Reilly in the abundant flesh.

Miró agradecido la nuca de Myrna, la cola de caballo que golpeaba inocente sus rodillas. Gratamente. Qué irónico, pensó Ignatius. Y, tomando la cola de caballo con una de sus manazas, la apretó cálidamente contra su húmedo bigote.

I said a lot of things sarcastically that summer; that was my sarcastic summer

I don't need to be told how handsome I am every twenty feet; I just want to drink. There

When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system's game. The establishment will irritate you – pull your beard, flick your face – to make you fight. Because once they've got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don't know how to handle is non-violence and humor.

You can manicure a cat but can you caticure a man?

That's part of our policy, is not to be taken seriously, because I think our opposition, whoever they may be, in all their manifest forms, don't know how to handle humor. You know, and we are humorous, we are, what are they, Laurel and Hardy. That's John and Yoko, and we stand a better chance under that guise, because all the serious people, like Martin Luther King, and Kennedy, and Gandhi, got shot.

Women look their oldest at 3.30 p.m. on Wednesdays.

There are over 1,200 species of bat in the world and not one of them is blind. There are 4,800 species of frog in the world but only one of them goes 'ribbit'. Eight times as many people belong to the National Trust as to the Conservative, Labour and Liberal Democrat parties combined. Every human being starts out life as an arsehole: it's the first part of the body to form in the womb.

Introducing 'Lite' – The new way to spell 'Light', but with 20 per cent fewer letters. JERRY SEINFELD

Plants grow more quickly if you talk to them in a Geordie accent.

The opening lines of Jerome K. Jerome's Three Men In A Boat are: 'There were four of us.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

A school without grades must have been concocted by someone who was drunk on non-alcoholic wine.

My English teacher, he's like, he's like Mr. Bu-fu.

If you ask an Irishman for directions, he might be quick to answer, Well if I were going there, I would not start here.