Quotes About Humor

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Since I'm not depressed enough by being at work, I think I'll balance my checkbook so I'll be really ready to hit the bar after work.

Normal person flirting: Hey Cutie wassup? Me flirting: Your face. I like that.

I didn't text you...but Vodka texted you.

You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hanging from your mirror.

That awkward moment when I'm drunk and you're still ugly...

Maybe you should eat some make up. So you can be pretty on the inside bi....

Fake coughing in front of smokers just to make them feel guilty!

Dear gym teacher, how the hell are you fat? Sincerely, you teach exercise for a living!

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

The only thing I gained from 2012 was weight.

Having a sarcastic conversation with yourself when people are ignoring you.

No matter how old I get, I think mooning people will always be hilarious.

Falling in love should be covered by insurance or at least Life alert.

Our relationship is like Tom & Jerry. We tease each other, chase each other, knock down each other, irritate each other but we cannot live without each other.

Somewhere between laughing for no reason, stupid arguments, and making fun of each other, I fell in love with you.

Girl: why am I still single? Brain: you're weird as sh... Body: and you're fat. Face: plus you're pretty ugly. Food: I'm here for you .

If there was an award for laziness I'd probably send somebody else to pick it up for me.

I'm just one more disappointing relationship away from becoming a lonely cat lady.

That awkward moment when you fail at being mad at somebody because they make you laugh.

Let your personality, and sense of humor shine through, that's whats makes you, you. Even God had a sense of humor. Just take a look around you...

Don't listen to things that make you feel bad. Instead, hear things that make you laugh.

Being positive can make you blind. Sort of like crossing your eyes.

I'm the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened yesterday.