Quotes About Humor

He's got a pointy bald head, and too much flesh hanging around his neck. The resulting combination gives him an unlikely yet striking resemblance to an uncircumcised penis. I secretly call him Rumpelforeskin.

My mother, of course, had a different opinion. 'They're driving me crazy!' she said, swatting at them with her beige Coach handbag. 'How can you tell?' my dad asked. 'Between your menopause craziness and your turning fifty craziness and everything else?' 'Forty-eight!' my mom cried. Dad groaned. 'Have you forgotten who you're lying to?

I am fluent in snark. Bethany only notices snark when snark grabs her off the sidewalk, throws her in the back of a sketchy van with tinted windows, drives to the middle of the Meadow-lands in the dead of night, and uses a heavy blunt instrument to smack her repeatedly about the head as it screams, "I'M SNARK. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I'M SNARKY SNARKY SNARK!" And even then she's like, "Ohhhh? Snark? Is that you?

Unfortunately for you, Scotty,' I said, removing his hand, 'they don't serve a drink called the Idiotfucker.

This confirms it: I am living with Beavis and sluthead.

I'm in the Toad Pee Club!

SCAT!" Stink swatted the sandwich out of Judy's hand. He flipped it over. Stink jumped up and pointed. "Oogley-boogley, ugh, ugh, ugh! Judy stared at something brown and squishy on the bottom of her sandwich. "What IS that?" "It's scat! As in doo-doo! Dung! Manure! POOP!" He showed her his sandwich, smeared with brown goo. Judy and Stink hopped up and leaped as far away as they could, falling off their giant teacup and screaming "AGHHHHH!

Are you badly hurt?" "Hideously," said the king, without sounding injured at all. "I am disemboweled. My insides may in an instant become my outsides as I stand here before you.

At some point in my early forties I realized that my primary goal in just about any verbal exchange is to lighten the mood.

All the donkeys I knew had small ears!

Considering the size of the universe, we might conclude that God likes to exaggerate!

Life is a double-faced creature; one face is tragedy, the other one is comedy. We have no way but to face the first face with dignity!

The wind likes making jokes!

There is no need to upset about the fact that our ancestors were monkeys, because they are capable chaps! Don't be sad about the truth, just understand the truth!

Water jokes about the obstacles on its way; wise man jokes about the obstacles on his way!

Comedy is when you accidentally fall off a cliff and die. Tragedy is when I have a hangnail.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

Good taste is the enemy of comedy.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that it's coming quickly.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.