Quotes About Humor

McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories. McGough: Really? When? Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ...

First you must find... another shrubbery! Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest... with... a herring!

Bring out... The Comfy Chair!!!!

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...

Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok.

I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad.

But I hate being a grandfather. It's indecent. In my mind's eye, I'm still twenty-five. Thirty-three max. Certainly not sixty-seven, reeking of decay and dashed hopes. My breath sour. My limbs in dire need of a lube job. And now that I've been blessed with a plastic hip-socket replacement, I'm no longer even biodegradable. Environmentalists will protest my burial.

You're convinced that anybody who meets you for the first time will consider you a shit, so you take preventive action. Relax, boychick. When they get to know you better they will realize that they were right. You are a shit.

One final thought. In the years leading up to my trial, whenever I was caught in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the highway leading to my cottage, creeping along behind a battered, rust eaten pick-up truck with a sticker on its rear bumper that read JESUS SAVES, I used to think don't count on it, buster. Now I am no longer sure.

The question is," Harry whispered, trying desperately to joke, "whether it's better to be dead from the neck up or the neck down," and the doctor smiled, knowing Harry was protecting himself with his sense of irony.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

He can do it any time he wants,' says Zelda, hugging me from the other side. 'Any time he sees a Nazi, he can just do a poo.

I took a course called Statistical Analysis. And there was a guy in the course who used to make up all his computations, and he never used sigma. He used his own initials. Because he was the standard deviation.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

I found people looked better when they laughed

Comedians have to challenge the power. Comedians should be dangerous and devastating - and funny. That's the hardest part.

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

I always thought the bible would be better if there were light sabers in it. When I told this to God he banished me to Calcutta.

I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest. The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable.

Comedy is a funny way of being serious. My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all.